Not t everything in evolution has been a good thing. The Dodo has become extinct, together with woolley mammoths and dinosaurs. Our body shapes have changed as we learnt to stand up on our back legs and we gradually became taller and taller. There are already ways that modern medical technology and plastic surgeons are able to supplement this evolutionary process by increasing the size of our breasts to order and reducing the size of our waists. Grafting techniques are also improving rapidly. They have already exchanged monkey heads and reconnected amputated limbs, so cosmetic evolution cannot be far away. I have talked recently to people who are already feeling the ?loss of a tail?. At the moment, there is little that can be done for this condition. Perhaps in the future, there will be special ?Tail Shops? where you can have tails fitted to order ? while you wait.

Like any other consumer product, the choice of tail will be subject to fashion taste and will provide work for the biological designers of the future. Celebrities will be photographed showing off their new ?ring tails and ?bushy furs?. Unlike some of the more obscure piercing preferences of the last twenty years, this will be a fashion accessory ?for display?. In the short term, tails will probably have to be harvested from any convenient source. Puppy dog tails are likely to be cheaply available and will presumably grow to suit the body shape of their new owners. They will obviously be popular with little boys who, we know, are already made of:

-Slugs and snails and puppy dogs tails hat?s what little boys are made of)

Tailors will suddenly become very appropriately named when they come to making the trousers of a new suit. Will the new appendages protrude from a discretly screened hole, below the waistband, or will the trouser belt have to swerve below ?tail level?, when viewed from behind. The more extravagant and larger tails may need additional support to make them easier to carry and we may need ?lemur? lessons in deportment.

My wife Jenny is already asking for a respendant giant red squirrel?s tail. It already sounds expensive to me and I am also thinking about all the extra ?hairdressing? (or taildressing) bills. We already take ages to get ready to ?go out?, so I cannot see ?Tail coiffeur? making our life any easier. Juliette is having trouble deciding what tail she would personally like but feels it will be much easier when she has had the chance to discuss it with her school friends. Jasper has decided on the largest rat?s tail on the market so he can frighten everyone. I have been thinking of the utility of a tail. An active lions? tail, doubling as a mosquito swatter, may save money on anti-mosquito cream.

If the operation is not too painful, then people will feel free to change their choices. The baby tiger that you attached in your youth may not suit a sedentary middle age. Newer developments in stem cell technology may make the process easier. Just a small implant will gradually grow to its full glory as you get used to the change of balance. In this case the way in which the goods are described will be very important. Warehousing and storage of the implants will have to be carefully monitored. If the stem seed that you paid for was described as the brush of a beautiful arctic fox but turned out to be the head of a turkey, there would be grounds for complaint.

Sports men and women may see the opportunity for cheating if tails became widespread. Articulated monkey tails could seriously confuse the opposition in a soccer game. There would have to be new rules against ?playing the ball with your tail?. Fish tails would have to be banned for swimmers and golfers would buy tail pouches to prevent their tails from interfering with their golf swing.

I am very cautious with these new fashions so I would have to choose something that could easily be hidden when I don?t want it to be seen. I think a rabbit tail is quite attractive without being too vulgar. If I am going out to a formal dinner I think it would be right to tuck my little rabbit?s tail into the back of my pants. I am sure that the lion?s tail would create too much unnecessary activity in my trousers.

I am sure that when people do wear tails the world will be a better place. It will be very helpful for closer family ties. Animals with tails do seem to be much friendlier towards each other. I think this is because the regular maitenance and cleaning of a tail needs very personal friendships (or several mirrors and yoga classes). This could only bring people closer together through mutual grooming.

Meanwhile, we could prepare ourselves by thinking seriously about what kind of tails we would like. I asked a friend yesterday and his response was ? a wart-hog . He then went on to explain the strange behaviour of a wart-hog?s tail when it becomes excited? and thereby hangs a tail!

<B>Jules JERRET</B>