«Je n?ai pas d?enfant et mon mari a un fils de sa maîtresse»

R

Je comprends ce que vous ressentez. Vous avez été mise devant un fait accompli. Le fait que vous ne pouvez concevoir un enfant a été une difficulté majeure dans votre vie de couple. Etant donné que votre mari était très conscient du problème, il y aurait dû avoir une discussion avec vous pour analyser le problème et décider de la marche à suivre.

Je suppose que vous avez subi tous les examens médicaux et vous avez envisagé les possibilités de traitements disponibles pour résoudre cette difficulté de concevoir un enfant. Quand votre mari a pris la décision d?aller de l?avant pour avoir un enfant en dehors de votre couple, il vous a menti et trompé. Vous avez l?impression qu?il le fait toujours. Peu importe ce que je vous dis, il y aura toujours ce manque de confiance après les bouleversements que vous aviez connus.

Je pense que votre situation est très compliquée et il y aura beaucoup de problèmes à résoudre au niveau personnel et au niveau de couple. Je pense que vous aurez besoin de l?aide d?un professionnel. Entre-temps, je crois que vous devriez avoir une franche discussion avec lui pour voir la situation plus clairement.

Il a maintenant un fils. Si vous êtes disposée à accepter la situation, il vous faut savoir comment la gérer. Bien sûr, votre mari a des responsabilités vis-à-vis de son fils que ce soit au niveau matériel ou émotionnel. Peut-être que vous êtes disposée qu?il accomplisse son devoir de père mais si demain il veut emmener son fils chez vous pour passer une journée ou un week-end, comment allez-vous réagir ? Tôt ou tard, il vous faudra accepter que votre mari a un fils et qu?un jour, il attendra beaucoup plus de vous, vis-à-vis de son fils. Quelle sera votre réaction ?

C?est pourquoi, je vous recommande de consulter un professionnel parce qu?il aura beaucoup de questions à analyser et à répondre, beaucoup de situations difficiles à envisager et à gérer. Il y a des problèmes immédiats auxquels vous aurez à faire face et vous arriverez à le faire que par le dialogue et la compréhension. Je ne saurais vous dire si votre mari vous trompe de nouveau.

Il vous faut lui faire confiance et pour cela, il vous faudra lui accorder le bénéfice du doute. Si votre amour est solide, vous pourrez surmonter ces problèmes avec plus de sérénité. Cela aidera à resserrer les liens de votre relation. Vous me demandez s?il vous aime toujours, je pense que le fait qu?il soit avec vous en est déjà une preuve mais il devra démontrer qu?il est sincère et mérite votre amour.

Le passé est le passé et vous ne pouvez pas le changer. Il faut l?accepter tel qu?il est. Maintenant, c?est à vous de regarder fermement vers l?avenir tout en vous servant de cette expérience pour mieux faire face aux difficultés dans le futur.

«My husband is unfaithful but he wants to come back home»

P

I note from your letter that you say that your husband has had a number of affairs with other women. I would gather that at one stage or another, you were fully aware of his liaisons but choose not to do anything. If that was the situation, it was the wrong move as for him it might have been a signal that though you might have objected strongly, you were not prepared to take any actions to make him mend his ways. You said that you prepared to forgive him after his first affair, yet that did not deter him from carrying on regardless. His behaviour is of course quite despicable because he has abused of the situation.

Now it seems that you are not prepared to make anymore concessions. You have decided to give him his marching orders, that should and probably will give him time to ponder on the error of his ways. Even the most compatible, the best matched and contented couples go through difficulties during their relationship, so you are not alone in experiencing such problems. Events occur during the course of a marriage and that usually put a strain on the relationship. How it is affected, depends on a number of things and an important factor is if and how one deals with the problem. When anything happens to trouble the relationship of a couple, it affects the persons concerned and sometimes in different ways. You are asking me if you should take him back. I feel that you are the only one who can answer the question based on the facts at your disposal. If you are to get back together and survive the effects of this affair and come through to a more stable and happier relationship, it will happen in two stages. You have already been through the first stage, that is the immediate impact when this affair came to light. You were probably initially shocked and then sad about the whole situation. Now six months hence, you have gone through a difficult time in trying to sort out yourself and then deciding whether to effect reconciliation or move on. If you are seriously considering allowing your husband to come back, you should have a heart to heart talk with him. To enable the conversation to be of value, you need to establish some ground rules.

• Use ?I? messages. Make statements about how you feel personally.

• Only ask question that you are prepared to listen to the reply. Don?t interrupt the other party once a question has been asked.

• Do not attack your partner if he does not give you the answer you want to hear.

• Answer questions honestly

• If it turns into an argument, stop because you are not likely to get anywhere..

During this period that you are still separated from your husband or even if the separation was to become permanent, both of you need to consider the following points for the wellbeing of your child:

• Do not use your child as a pawn to blame each other

• Do not burden your child with your problem

• Be civil to each other as both of you are still parents to your child

• Assume your responsibilities as a parent immaterial of how your relationship is

• Do not overcompensate by giving the child lots of presents to reduce your guilt feelings

• If you cannot resolve the relational issues, you should seek the help of a professional

Bullying at work (part 2) Effects on health

Stress and ill health become part of the daily life of the bullied person. The symptoms are :

● Anxiety

● Sleeplessness

● Skin rashes

● Ulcers

● Various other illnesses

● Loss of confidence

Employers should have an effective system of dealing with interpersonal conflicts, bullying, sexual harassment, they should include:

● Agreed grievance procedures

● Proper investigation of complaints

Employers should:

● Recognise the seriousness of bullying and the very damaging effects that it can have on the staff and the organisation itself

● State clearly to all their employees that bullying is unacceptable and will not be tolerated

● Have a code of acceptable behaviour ≠and a formal policy for dealing specifically with bullying and which should be regularly reviewed

● Take all complaints seriously and ensure confidentiality for the parties concerned

● Provision of support and help for those suffering from bullying

● Have access to trained and confidential counsellors

Training for all to reduce bullying

Monitoring ? Levels of sickness

• Patterns of turnover of staff in relation to bullying

RETROUVEZ CLAUDE CANABADY, LES VENDREDIS SUR RADIO ONE, ENTRE 14H00 ET 15H00.

Consultations gratuites

Claude Canabady donne des consultations gratuites pour le public en général le 1er et 3ème lundi de chaque mois au Centre Alex Vellin, Beau Bassin de 10 a.m à 3 p.m. Ce n?est pas nécessaire de prendre rendez-vous. La prochaine session aura lieu le lundi 18 septembre. Pour plus d?informations, téléphonez au 492-2177.