There's nothing like leaving your country for a few decades and coming back only to be taken as a tourist everywhere you go. Many ?returning Mauritians? can be seen developing a type of psychological complex after locals keep asking them where they are from. It's kind of like falling out of the nest only to return and have everyone sniffing you suspiciously.

The ailments of ?returning Mauritians? can be roughly classified into three groups: stumbling, mumbling and fumbling.

1. The ?returning Mauritian limp?. We haven?t been able to determine if it?s their tendons getting used to wearing flip flops all day or whether the old calve muscles are protesting the switch to standard from automatic vehicles, but there is a definite limp in their gait making them stand out in the crowd.

2. Circling cars. This is a strange phenomenon usually only seen in ?returning Mauritians? from countries that have left side drive. The lucky ones will only march to the right side of the car, while the others will actually sit on the right side, realizing too late that it's the wrong one. Smiling and shaking their heads they limp sheepishly back to the other side of the car in front of drivers who have been patiently waiting for them to move out of the parking space.

3. Shiny shoes. ?Returning Mauritians? don?t own a pair. Being off the island for any length of time (unless they've worked for a police force) has relaxed their dress code. Their shoes aren't buffed, they haven't seen a hair cut in ages and they have a real penchant for turning up in car dealerships or banks in dust- covered shorts, green flip flops and Bermuda shirts and they can?t understand why no one solicits them.

4. Mumbling. Chances are if you are speaking to a ?returning Mauritian? there will be many pauses and blank stares in the conversation. You can almost see the linguistic lobbying between their cranial hemispheres. They have not only forgotten the basics of Creole, French and English, but they can't come up with a reply... in any language!

5. The simple etiquette techniques of greeting on the island sends ?returning Mauritians? into a kind of Macarena flurry where they are trying to decide whether to shake your hand, kiss you on the cheek or bow from the waist. It's usually the ?returning Mauritians? from Russia who have the most explaining to do after they've engaged an almost perfect stranger in a good old-fashioned bear hug.

6. The hardest lesson for many ?returning Mauritians? to learn here is that you should never express road rage, no matter how tempted or how deserved. On an island this small, people remember you and your car licence. So it is understandable that the scowl on the school principal?s face is a result of the impromptu lesson in sign language ?returning Mauritians? offered as they passed him on the road trying to get their kid to school on time!

7. Fumbling with money is a favourite ?returning Mauritian? hobby. They appear very frustrated as opposed to tourists as they rummage around in their wallets trying to distinguish between denominations.

8. Although not technically falling under the category of mumbling, a ?returning Mauritian? will be the one howling a Mike Brandt song at the top of his lungs as he roars past you in his colossal SUV. Unless they've been living in France for the last 20 years, a Mike Brandt CD is hard to come by and when they find one here, they don't waste time.

Chances are that, if you do come across anyone that is stumbling, mumbling and fumbling, you are in the presence of a genuine ?returning Mauritian?. The best thing is to nod politely, step back (to avoid the bear hug) and finally point these hapless creatures in the general direction where Mike Brandt was last seen heading!!!

<B> Angela Keessoondyal</B>