I am a fairly young widow. My name is K. and I am 42 year old. I lost my husband in unfortunate circumstances. He died in a car accident five years ago. I have no children. My husband and I wanted to enjoy life before starting a family.

Unfortunately, the circumstances decided otherwise. We had a wonderful marriage. I have now met a divorced man who is of the same age as me. We get on well together. We have known each other for over a year but he is not interested in committing himself to the relationship. What should I do? Carry on or end the relationship ?

K.

I feel that perhaps you are trying to go too fast with the new man in your life. I do not know the circumstances of his divorce and how long ago it was. These could be important factors in trying to understand his reluctance for any long-term commitment in this new- found relationship. Losing your husband in such unfortunate and distressing circumstances must have been heartbreaking and I feel that you are still suffering and despite the passage of time, you are still vulnerable emotionally.

You said you had a wonderful marriage and I have a feeling that you are seeking this emotional security that you have not had since the passing of your husband. You want this man to fill the enormous gap in your life.

I feel that you are expecting too much from him and you could possibly get hurt as a result. By putting the pressure on, it is possible that he might feel that the only way to deal with it is to end the relationship. He has been frank enough to tell you that he is not looking for long-term commitment, which is to his credit.

Surely, you would not have preferred that he pretended otherwise just for the sake of it. You have known him just over a year, you need to let the relationship develop and try to get to know him better.

Looking for commitment now might be the wrong move and if he was to agree, you might very well regret it later. What are you looking for in this relationship? Do take time out to mull over this question and it will answer a lot of your queries. Surely, you would rather that he is honest towards you than to give you false hopes.

For a relationship to work and be fulfilling, it must be one that can endure difficulties and disappointments, so in the end, you must accept that he is not prepared to offer you the firm commitment that you are looking for and that is the bottom line.

Please do not live in hope that he might change his mind because if he does not, you will be even more disappointed. If you want the relationship to continue, you have to accept and respect his views, otherwise it is better to call it off. You have had a difficult time following the death of your husband. Do not put yourself in a vulnerable position by expecting too much from your boyfriend.

Claude CANABADY