<B>By Nicholas RAINER</B>

Ladies and gentlemen, the captain has turned on the ?Suspend your incredulity? sign. If you haven?t already done so, please stow your hopes underneath the seat in front of you or in an overhead bin. And also make sure your purchasing power and optimism are in an enfeebled position. If you are seated next to an emergency exit, please refrain from using it immediately. At this time, we request that all idealism, empathy and critical thinking be turned off for the full duration of the flight, as these might interfere with the legitimacy of policy decisions on this aircraft. If you have any pointed questions about our flight today, please hesitate lengthily before asking one of our politicians.

On behalf of the nonplussed section of the population,

I would like to welcome you aboard May Day Airways

Flight 101, non-stop service from Nowhere to Who Cares?

We will be flying at a very low intellectual altitude at a ground speed of one spittle-soaked invective per sentence.

Now we request your full attention as the politicians demonstrate the absurdity of the system. Please take a few moments to locate the fact that the elections aren?t for a couple years yet so today?s flight doesn?t really represent anything of consequence. If they need to evacuate an unpopular party, floor-crossing is always a viable option.

Each election is equipped with a Best Loser System so if they don?t get elected by popular demand, they at least have a chance of milking their ethnicity for all it?s worth.

In the event of your being undecided about which party to vote for, a rice-cooker will automatically be dropped off by a political activist in your neighbourhood. To start the flow of road resurfacing and street lighting, express your indignation at the way your locality has been run since the last elections.

Ladies and gentlemen, if you would be so kind as to look out of the right side of the aircraft you will see the three main political parties of the country. We preferred to leave them on the ground, as they tend to hijack everything for their own gain and advancement. Notwithstanding the fact that hijackers and planes hardly form the ideal mix, we were forced to leave them stranded because they were all carrying tons of personal luggage. As is their wont, they refused to pay a single penny of luggage surcharge.

First is the Labour Party. Its slogan is ?Together for progress?. Paradoxically, its mandate has been marked by neither togetherness nor progress. A more candid slogan would perhaps have been ?Power is in our hands?.

Next to Labour, is the MMM and its faintly messianic slogan, the gist of which is, ?The country is in trouble. Only we can save it?. A more appropriate motto would?ve been ?Not even a winning formula could save us during the last elections?. Finally, we have the MSM, which earns kudos for the straightforwardness of its message, ?Struggle for a better future?. If it wanted to be brutally honest though it could?ve opted for ?Struggle to remain significant?.

On behalf of May Day Airlines and the entire crew, I?d like to thank you for joining us on this trip. We are looking forward to seeing you on board again in about a year. Please note that we may soon change our name to Mayday Airways.