I believe that I actually started growing up when I realized that there is more to this life than one can see with one?s eyes. I turned 15 in 2001. At that time, I did not really grasp what was happening around the world. My own little world was restricted to my house and my school, populated by my friends and parents. Nothing from beyond these boundaries could affect me back then. My main preoccupations were centred on my family and friends; everything else was not important. I had a comfortable lifestyle and each day was merely a repetition of the other to me. But then, I later realized that nothing is that simple, especially life. Such realizations struck me after a series of events which have deeply marked me for life.

I remember very well my reactions after hearing about the September 2001 attacks in the USA. At first, I did not register the urgency of the situation. After all, the attacks were happening oceans away from my home and galaxies away from my little world! However, I was perplexed by the reactions of the people around me. They were all horribly shocked and talking about the world coming to an end. I then heard about Osama bin Laden for the first time in my life. They assumed that he was at the head of the attacks; to me, he was nobody, but to others he was a murderer. I watched as the victims? relatives were interviewed, I saw the mixture of incomprehension and extreme sorrow in their eyes and thought : ? What if my parents had died in the explosions ? ? For the first time in my life, I tried to put myself in a stranger?s place and tried to imagine how he was feeling. It was a horrible experience. Nobody should be put into such a situation, nobody deserved to suffer as much as those people whose friends and relatives had died unexpectedly. Some parents would never see their children, some children had lost their parents and would have to face this world alone. I never knew that such disasters could happen. I could not understand how some people could make others suffer in such a terrible way. I realized how lucky I was to be with my family and friends when others were crying over the loss of their loved ones.

After the attacks, a mixture of fear and anger towards the Islamic community prevailed in many parts of the world. Once again, it took me some time to understand why the people were reacting in this way. I felt that a deep resentment against the Muslims was growing and, as a Muslim girl, I was revolted that people could condemn all Muslims as murderers when only a few peoples who belonged to my community were guilty of murder. It was frustrating to hear that Muslims were being unfairly discriminated in some countries. All of a sudden, I was being invaded by unfamiliar feeling. Such as anger and irritation. I started feeling that I was different from others, that I would always be regarded as a Muslim first and that I would pay for the crimes of others only because I belonged to the same religious group as some terrorists. I felt that it was unfair to be treated in such a way. I was not to blame for the wrong doings of others, but some people could not understand that.

At the same time, I was immensely troubled when I became aware that in some Islamic countries, women are treated as objects. The stories written by the famous author Betty Mahmoody on how women were dominated by their husbands in the 1980s in Iran and on how Muslim girls of my age were sold by their father left me in complete disarray. Such realities seemed unbelievable at first. I did not believe, at first, that these cruelties could exist. Denying those women of their fundamental rights was unforgivable. I felt the despair and agony endured by those girls who are subjected to such cruel acts and wondered how people who are presumably fervent advocates of peace, justice and love could sell their daughters and beat their wives. Islam, just as any other religion in the world, preaches justice and respect for all, but I realized that some Muslim men have no respect for women. I was disgusted by the pitiless and selfish Muslim men who paid no consideration to the wants of their wives and daughters. I wanted to do something to stop the injustice towards those women who were unable to defend themselves. No words can describe exactly how I was feeling then but I realized that I was growing up to face a cruel world and that I had to be strong. I was disillusioned and angry.

?It was, in the beginning, very hard for me to feel any compassion for such people who not only give up their life, but, also take away that of others. Then, I realized that these people might have suffered as well.?

Anger gave way to confusion. I could not understand how my once simple life had turned into a battleground of mixed emotions. Had I been living in a dream during 15 years or had the world been a better place before? Now I could see that only the most powerful ones survived. Everyday, it was extremely painful to hear the deaths of hundreds of innocents accidentally killed during raids and suicide bombings. All those harmless people who were at the wrong place and at the wrong time had no idea of their fate and I realized that my country could be bombarded unexpectedly and that we could all die at any moment. In Israel and Palestine, everyday, children were orphaned during explosions and attacks, in Afghanistan people were missing or dead. I realized that I was growing up into a world where hatred and danger were omnipresent. No place would ever be safe. I could not understand how some terrorists could boast of waging holy wars when in the process innocent women and children were being killed. I remained aghast that nobody could stop the wars around the globe, that women in the 21st century were suffering from great injustice and that children had to face terrible deaths. The world had become a nightmare to live in. I longed to erase all the horrors I had witnessed through the media, but I knew that there was no turning back, that this was the real world and that I could not shun out the miseries of others. I was no longer a little girl to whom her parents could hide the harsh realities of this life. If I wanted to live and grow up, I realized that I could not remain immune to the suffering of others, as I had done during 15 years. Now was the time to learn and react.

I felt very bad about the occurring events for a long time. I could not still understand how people could live in such an atmosphere of fear and horror but nobody had remedied the situation. However, I soon started seeing the world from a different perspective. I had decided that I could either continue to harbour such emotions as anger and frustration or try to finally understand others in order to try to be at peace with myself. I realized that if I wanted to help others, I had to understand them. I did not want to grow up into a frustrated person for I believe that all those people who are presently causing trouble around the world are very frustrated. I came to realize that terrorizing the whole world is just another way of expressing one?s frustration, anger and resentment. I did not want to end up hurting someone just because others were doing so. I realized that all the negative vibrations around me could very well influence me to act selfishly. Yes, I was angry and very disappointed but I did not want to become like those youngsters who participate in suicide bombings. I was, on the contrary, sad that nobody could help those young people who are sacrificing their lives. Maybe, I thought, they only wanted to change this world into a better place and found no other way of doing so than killing themselves. It was, in the beginning, very hard for me to feel any compassion for such people who not only give up their life, but, also take away that of others. Then, I realized that these people might have suffered as well. After all, they are human beings just like me. I realized that we only see the pain of the victims? friends and relatives. We are only moved by the sight of the corpses of innocent children killed during raids. However, we do not see the reason behind the actions of the murderers. We do not see that maybe the pain of those murderers led them to such actions. These people received no help when they badly needed it and they were too weak to bear such a pain alone. I felt that I had no right to judge them but that I had to be strong in order not to become one of them.

Something very important struck me: hatred, anger and resentment could kill. For a long time, I had lived in a dream-like world, but I had finally stepped into the real world where I had learnt that only the strongest ones survive. I was adamant that I would not judge others, but instead try to understand and help them, but I would not let others judge me for a crime I had not committed nor would I submit to any cruel acts to which I did not agree. I gradually sorted out my objectives and cleared out the confusion in my head and it was then, when I had determined that the most important things are those which we cannot see at first glance, that I really started to grow up into the girl that I am today.

Zaynah MOSAFEER