<B>Question

? My husband does not care for me anymore ? </B>

Dear Mr Claude, I am writing this letter to you to express all my sorrows. I feel that my life has no meaning. I feel so lonely. I am sure that you understand how I feel and you will be able to guide me. I am a 46 years old woman and have been married for 20 years.

My husband does not care for me anymore. We are like two total strangers. Making love has no meaning, no feeling. It is a part of our dull routine and I feel so bitter. We have three lovely daughters but they are all gone, married and living abroad with their children. They are happy with their own families. I do not want to burden them with my sorrows.

They think that all is going well between their father and me. They used to see us as such a happy couple when they were young and that is why they do not know of the existing problems. They still think that all is well, if only they knew. I do not have the strength to go on like this.

What do I do? I am turning to you in the hope that you will be able to help me. Even a little help will do me a power of good. So please give me the right message. I thank you in advance.

<B>A.K. </B>

<B>Answer</B>

I thank you for taking time to write this letter. It is very moving and I really feel for you. You have kept it all inside you for far too long and I am sure that just unburdening yourself makes you feel better already. I am equally sure that your husband probably feels just as bad as you do, when he thinks that the love you had for each other has evaporated over the years.

I have no doubt that he is equally as frustrated as you. Unfortunately when we get old, we become stubborn, we get frustrated and we are set in our own way.

I do not tire of emphasizing the importance of good communication and though it is not necessarily a panacea for all problems, it goes a fair way towards finding a solution.

If we do not communicate our needs, what is worrying us, how can we expect our partner to know our deeper thoughts, the way we feel? The problem is when people have been married for a while, they take each other for granted.

They accept everything as part of the routine. They resent things said or done by their partner, yet they prefer not to say anything. They will never complain to the person concerned, they will either keep it to themselves or share it with someone they can trust but will probably vouch that person to silence on that topic.

So for the risk of repeating myself, talk to him, open your heart to him. He might just be waiting for that opportunity also but like you, he is reluctant to make the first move.

Remember that old adage ?A problem shared is a problem halved?. So you need to share this unhappiness, this vulnerability to him and together you might at least start to address the problem.

So please find a time when you can both be receptive to each other, a time when you are unlikely to be disturbed, switch all the phones off.

1. Tell him exactly how your feel. Pour your heart out. It will do you a power of good. All these pent up emotions must come out.

2. Give him time and space to express himself. Listen carefully to what he has to say

3. Respect what he is saying even if you disagree with his points of view

4. Together prepare a plan on how you are going to face the problem. Agree on the salient points. Put the plan into action at a pace where you both feel comfortable.

5. Spend time together to check on the progress. If it is slow, do not be discouraged. At your age, you cannot expect swift progress. Be positive

6. Finally I feel that you also need to talk to your daughters. Their support is equally important to both to you.

In conclusion, I would urge you to persevere in the steps that I have outlined, you deserve to be happy.

<B>Claude</B>

<B>Question</B>

<B> ? Mon ami est obsédé par ma lingerie ? </B>

Je suis une femme divorcée et je suis âgée de 45 ans. Je vis seule depuis mon divorce. J?ai deux enfants, ils sont déjà mariés. Le divorce a été un épisode très pénible dans ma vie et j?ai beaucoup souffert.

Après mon divorce qui date de 10 ans, je me suis renfermée un peu sur moi-même. J?étais devenue comme un ermite. Je ne voulais voir personne. J?ai coupé les ponts avec mes amis et ma famille et je souffre toujours des séquelles de mon divorce. Sept ans après le divorce, j?ai refait surface et j?ai repris une vie normale. J?ai recommencé à sortir avec des hommes, initialement comme des amis et par la suite j?ai connu d?autres en tant qu?amants. J?ai décidé de m?amuser, pendant cette période mes relations avec les hommes étaient passagères.

Il y a un an, j?ai rencontré un homme de 48 ans et tout d?un coup, je me suis retrouvée très amoureuse de lui mais il y a une chose qui m?intrigue, j?ai observé qu?il était très obsédé par mes sous vêtements, mes culottes et les autres petites lingeries.

On m?a dit que c?est un fétichisme. Je me demande, c?est quoi ? Que dois-je faire ? Je l?aime beaucoup mais je ne comprends pas son comportement. Votre aide s?il vous plaît. Je vous dis merci.

<B>A.A. </B>

<B>Reponse</B>

Avant de parler de ce qui vous intrigue, abordons le sujet de divorce douloureux. Vous dites que vous souffrez toujours des séquelles de cette triste expérience de votre vie. C?est malheureux que vous n?aviez pas donné des informations sur ce qui a été pénible pendant votre mariage.

Je pense que vous n?avez pas vraiment fait le deuil sur cette phase de votre vie. Comme vous avez dit dans votre lettre, après votre divorce, vous avez coupé le pont avec les parents et les amis. Vous aviez trouvé refuge en vous refermant sur vous-même. Je pense que peut-être après tout ce temps, il y a toujours des blessures émotionnelles qui ne se sont pas cicatrisées.

Vous avez toujours un handicap émotionnel. C?est essentiel que vous consultiez un professionnel pour essayer de résoudre les problèmes existants. C?est bien que vous ayez retrouvé le plaisir de rencontrer des hommes de nouveau.

C?est également très bien que vous soyez tombée amoureuse. Je pense que vous êtes sur la bonne voie pour retrouver le bonheur que vous n?aviez pas connu dans votre mariage.

En ce qui concerne votre nouveau copain, je comprends votre perplexité parce que soudainement vous faites face à un comportement que vous n?avez jamais connu. Vous avez demandé ce qu?était le fétichisme. C?est d?avoir une attention excessive envers un objet inamovible (par exemple un item de lingerie) ou une partie du corps pas nécessairement sexuel (par exemple les cheveux) mais capable de devenir un objet sexuel.

Les hommes en général ont plus de fétiche que les femmes. Normalement ce n?est pas un problème si quelqu?un développe un fétiche pour un objet quelconque.

En revanche, la situation devient plus problématique lorsque la personne devient un esclave de son fétiche au point qu?il préfère toucher l?objet de son intérêt au lieu de faire l?amour.

On peut dire que cela devient une perversion si le fétiche devient essentiel pour avoir le plaisir sexuel. C?est important que vous discutiez de la situation avec votre amant.

J?espère que les explications que je vous ai données vous aideront à mieux comprendre le comportement de votre copain. Je vous souhaite beaucoup de bonheur dans votre vie de couple. n

<B>Claude</B>

<B>TALKING TO YOUR CHILD ABOUT PUBERTY</B>

These days, our children are exposed to an avalanche of information about sex and relationships. They receive lots of facts from the media, namely the newspapers, magazines, radio, television and the internet. By the time they approach puberty, they are already aware of what to expect.

Nevertheless, it remains the responsibility of parents to ensure that they are there to talk to them about the issues. You must realize that not all information that your child is receiving are always reliable. It is up to you to filter all that data.

Please do not wait for your child to come out with the questions. You might wait in vain for that day to come, especially if your child is unsure whether he/she can talk to you about such a delicate topic and what your reaction will be.

<B>When to talk</B>

All things being equal, it would be ideal as a parent if you can talk to your child constantly about the ongoing changes in his/her body. The child is curious and will continually ask questions, so this is an opportunity not to be missed.

By answering questions his/her questions, you are giving the child a growing confidence to do so without fear of a rebuke or being put down. It is extremely important to answer the child?s questions candidly but please do not wait for the child to initiate any discussion.

For example it is important that you talk to your daughter before she actually has a period. If she is unaware of the changes in her body, she might be frightened of the sight of blood. For your son, he should be aware of having an erection and having a wet dream.

So once again, please do let your child know that you are available to talk at any time but it is equally important to make the time to talk, do plan accordingly and happy talking.