? I long for my husband and our sex life ?

I am M and I am now 48 years old. A few years ago, my husband died after a long illness. I did my best to nurse and care for him as he was suffering from a terminal illness.

We were really in love and had a wonderful sex life. Following his death, I went to stay with my son in Grand Bay for a while, just to sort my feelings, and to know what I was going to do in the future. I have a good job with excellent prospects in a private firm in Port Louis.

In addition my husband left me well cared for financially and as a result I have no worries in that direction. After a few months, I returned home and somehow I could still feel the presence of my husband in every room that I went in.

I still long for him when I think of the wonderful life we had together. The trouble is now that I get the urge to masturbate myself and I do it regularly.

I feel very guilty for doing so. I find it difficult to talk about my personal life to anybody including my son.

To talk about sexual matters would be even worse for me. What should I do? Should I stop masturbating? Am I right to feel guilty? Your kind words and constructive advice would be very helpful to me.

Please guide me in these difficult moments. I feel so lost. Please help me and thank you.

<B>M. </B>

<B>Answer</B>

I sympathize. I have the impression that you want so much to unburden yourself. First I will talk a bit about your late husband. I feel that maybe you have not gone through the grieving process yet.

Talking helps to come to terms with what has happened and it might be necessary to go over and over the same ground. This repetition is important as it is one of the best ways of helping the truth to be accepted.

It is wrong to think that talking about the situation makes it worse and that it is better to try to forget what has happened.

Forgetting is impossible and people who are grieving need to talk about it. Sometimes what the grieving person just needs is someone to offer comfort and support, to take the pressure off him/her.

There are classic stages associated with the grieving process. They do not necessarily apply in every single case and are as follows

1. Shock

2. Denial/ Anger

3. Blame and Self Blame

4. Resolution

5. Recovery

Now I go on to your guilty feelings about masturbating. I feel that you are very strong and coping admirably following the death of a very much loved husband.

It is evident that you were devoted to each other and now that you must face the future without him, hence why the grieving process is so important to you.

As you said, you had a wonderful sex life. Lovemaking was an integral and vital part of your time with your husband. I feel that you should not have guilty feelings about masturbating. If from masturbating, you derive comfort and pleasure, so be it.

If it gives you a chance to enjoy the marvellous memories of your husband, I?ll say good for you. I can assure you that you are doing nothing wrong, nothing to feel guilty about and you must not see it as a sign of weakness.

If it helps to release any pent up emotions, then it is good and healthy. So please do not feel that what you are doing is reprehensible, in fact what you are doing is perfectly natural.

I feel that you need to address your emotional well being, hence why I suggest that you should see a counsellor or a psychologist as soon as practical.

In the meantime, I feel that you should talk to someone that you trust and unburden all those mixed up thoughts that are swirling in your mind.

Most of all please do not feel guilty; there is absolutely no reason for you to feel like that.

<B> Claude</B>

<B>? Je veux de l?excitation dans ma vie sexuelle ? </B>

Je suis J.N et j?ai 56 ans et je suis marié à E. depuis 25 ans. Nous avons deux fils qui ont 22 et 24 ans respectivement. Ils sont mariés et habitent dans leur propre maison avec leur famille. Mon problème est au niveau sexuel. J?aime bien ma femme mais la façon dont nous faisons l?amour est tellement traditionnelle. Cela devient une routine.

J?ai l?impression que ses besoins sexuels ne sont pas très importants et depuis sa ménopause, elle n?est presque plus intéressée du tout.

Par contre malgré mon âge, je veux essayer d?autres trucs au niveau de la sexualité. Je veux un peu d?excitation dans ma vie sexuelle.

Alors monsieur, aidez-moi, donnez-moi les conseils nécessaires pour essayer de changer les choses. Je ne veux rien lui dire de peur qu?elle se sente coupable. Alors venez à mon aide. Je vous dis un grand merci d?avance. Je veux un peu de bonheur. En ai-je le droit à mon âge ?

<B> J. </B>

Vous avez droit au bonheur comme tout le monde. Pour qu?un couple soit heureux, il faut qu?il y ait l?harmonie en général et bien sûr l?harmonie sexuelle. Pour que cela se concrétise, il doit y avoir un amour réciproque, les goûts communs et une bonne entente. Pour cette harmonie sexuelle, il faut qu?il y ait une communication suivie afin d?assurer que les partenaires sont sur la même longueur d?ondes. Il faut surmonter les tabous pour pouvoir exprimer ses besoins et écouter attentivement l?autre. Vous dites que vous souffrez et probablement votre femme aussi. Pour vous, c?est par un manque de contact sexuel et pour elle, c?est parce qu?elle ne peut pas vous donner tout ce que vous désirez.

En ne disant rien, vous vivez une frustration permanente. Pour commencer, vous devez établir un dialogue effectif, je ne dirai pas que cela va résoudre tous vos problèmes, mais je peux vous assurer que cela va grandement aider. Premièrement, il faut savoir comment communiquer et écouter pour que ce soit efficace.

• Dites à votre femme exactement ce que vous ressentez. Parlez de vos besoins sexuels mais faites attention, une pratique qui peut paraître normale pour un partenaire peut paraître dégoûtante et inacceptable pour l?autre.

• Ecoutez attentivement ce qu?elle vous dit.

• Sachez accepter les différences d?opinion et cherchez les compromis.

Deuxièmement, il faut penser un peu à revisiter votre vie sexuelle. Essayez de varier les données fréquemment.

Le lieu ? Oubliez le lit et la chambre à coucher pour faire l?amour. Soyez imaginatif, pensez à un lieu différent

L?heure - Pourquoi toujours le soir et à la même heure. Si vous êtes seuls à la maison, changez la routine, pourquoi pas dans la journée.

Le temps qu?on prend ? Prenez votre temps, coupez le téléphone et le portable, fermez la porte à clé.

La façon ? Expérimentez et variez la façon dont vous faites l?amour. Soyez sûr de demander à votre femme ce qu?elle aime. Tout en étant innovateur, ne brusquez pas les choses. Votre femme aura à s?adapter à un nouveau mode de vie.

Si votre femme souffre de problèmes de santé suite à sa ménopause, une visite chez un gynécologue est souhaitable. Je ne crois pas qu?il existe une règle universelle sur le comportement sexuel. Ce qu?il faut considérer, ce que la morale varie de pays en pays et de culture en culture.

Ce qui est important, ce sont vos besoins réciproques et la meilleure façon de s?adapter pour qu?il y ait une satisfaction d?une part et de l?autre. En conclusion je dois vous dire qu?après toutes ces années de frustration, vous devez être patient et le changement viendra.

<B>Claude</B>

<B>Communicating through touch</B>

Touch is an important part of communication, particularly in a way of conveying loving feelings. Keeping up the habit of making tender physical but non sexual gestures like cuddling, hugging and kissing (not just as a prelude to sex) are extremely important in the day to day lives of a couple, they help to maintain a good relationship between the partners.

Touching like this can carry you through the difficult times when sex is the last thing on your mind. When we are upset, disheartened, irritated or plain furious, it is not easy to communicate in a loving way. When we think negatively, we tend to momentarily lose our feelings of trust, our caring attitude, our acceptance, appreciation and even respect of our partner. At such times even with the best will in the world, talking becomes a problem and very often turns into an argument.

In the heat of that moment, we do not always remember how to communicate effectively, in a way that has worked for our partner or ourselves. Touch can play an important role during these troubled times; it can help to preserve the physical side of your relationship.

Finally we must remember that touch and other non verbal communication are additions to talking and listening and they are not substitutes for them and all of them form an integral part of an effective line of communication between couples.