I have written it in this column and said it on many occasions: solid research proves conclusively that “Emotional Intelligence” is a significant condition for success in business life. As also mentioned in this column, self-awareness is a key component of Emotional Intelligence. Our ability to know how we are feeling and why, and the impact that our feelings have on our behaviours, is the single most critical aspect we need to develop if we wish to become emotionally intelligent. The more self-awareness we have, the more we arrive at a solid understanding of our strengths and weaknesses, purpose in life, values, needs, beliefs and motivations.

During the past month or so, three readers have emailed me with essentially one question in mind: How do we develop this so critical self-awareness? One reader in particular wrote: “I agree with you that self-awareness is vital. You mentioned in your previous article that we would need to undergo a full assessment by some psychologist, followed by a plan of action, before I can become more self-aware. Wouldn’t there be another, simpler technique that one could use?” There is – I call it “listening to our inner voices”.

Have you noticed how, when you talk to other people, there is always some kind of “inner voice” playing inside your mind saying stuff like “He is so pushy”, “I like her”, “I am bored”, “I want to teach this guy a lesson”, “I hope they’ll buy what I am selling”, and so on? We experience indeed a whole range of inner voices as we relate to others – they are our motivations, intuitions, assumptions, fears, urges, desires, expectations, etc. Most of the time, these thoughts and emotions remain largely unexplored, hidden away at the subconscious level. Or if we become aware of them, we soon want to block them out – all too often they represent the so-called “negatives” in us: our petty fears, ambitions, jealousies, anger, vanities, and so on. We label them as scary, unwanted, distasteful or boring – and avoid them. And that is where we go wrong: if we don’t know how to listen to these voices, whatever they may be, unconditionally, I believe that life passes us by – we are asleep, or unaware of ourselves.

But if we learn how to listen to these inner voices, we’ll soon discover that they fall mostly into two major categories. The first one is what we may call the “Regulator”. If , for example, I need to discipline a staff member for non-performance, I may fear that he or she will react badly. Immediately the Regulator steps in and says, “Don’t be scared – act like a true boss! You can do it.” The Regulator’s function is to control our thoughts, feelings and behaviours – to regulate them so that they submit to the will of our egos. It even wants to regulate all our other inner voices so that only those that give us pleasure are allowed in.

The second one we could call the “Becomer”. This voice is for ever urging us to attempt more, become better, achieve further. It wants us to become better managers, to perform more, to achieve higher sales figures, to become liked by all our staff, to have peace of mind, a healthy body, and so on. It is as restless as a monkey in a cage – it is for ever striving, ambitious, demanding, pushing. It never stops and is the very source of every desire that we have.

Without us tapping these “inner voices”, and there are many more that we can observe in ourselves as we interact with others in our daily life, it’s clear that we cannot be aware of ourselves. So what’s the next step? Firstly, we need above all to see the importance of listening to these inner voices. We need to realize that they are there on an almost permanent basis in anything we do and that if we do not listen to them we may as well be dead. It’s like breathing only half the air that our lungs need. Secondly, we need to learn how to unconditionally and passively watch them in action as and when they occur – not get caught into judging, suppressing, rationalizing or condemning them or saying to ourselves such nonsense as “I need to think positively” or worse, “I need to have a positive attitude”. If we succeed in meeting both these conditions, then I think yes, listening to these inner voices will not pose any problems.

<B>Eric Charoux

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