The famed Loch Ness monster was cornered by a RAF squadron yesterday after having been contacted by alarmed locals who saw it emerging from the lake. ?My men were very swift to pacify the beast although, in fairness, she didn?t put up much of a fight. A pity really because we were really looking forward to some action?, lamented Lieutenant Gull E. Bill of Her Majesty?s Airborne Hog Division. Nessie has been installed in a local pub until a ?more appropriate locale can be found?.

Self-important scientists the world over attributed the 3,000 kg creature?s decision to leave her home to the deterioration in water quality and extreme fatigue at constantly being hounded by thousands of tourists and glory hunters. Witnesses described Nessie as ?mournful? and ?boring?.

Sotheby?s and Christie?s are fighting over the right to auction the monster in London next week. A mysterious Chinese businessman is understood to have offered ?whatever it takes? to purchase the monster, which he intends to display in a Nessie-themed casino in Macau. According to sources in the financial world, the entrepreneur, known only as A. F. Day, made his fortune in fool?s gold.

He?ll have to outbid a very determined Arsène Wenger though. The Arsenal manager is said to be bent on signing Nessie to play in goal ahead of his team?s Wednesday night Champions League clash against Liverpool. ?It?s the only way I can think of neutralizing the threat posed by Fernando Torres?, the taciturn Frenchman told the Loch Ness Herald Tribune.