So, has Santa been nice this year? Chances are he hasn?t really. It is after all a truth universally acknowledged that you have passed the age where you believe in Father Christmas; people don?t think they have to go to great lengths to ensure that you have a merry Christmas. A merry Christmas, of course, means that you get gifts that you like. Unfortunately, some people are either too stingy or too mean to put much thought into what they will get you. Do you have to put up with it?

The bad news is: yes you do. After all you have been too well brought up to tell people to their face what they can do with this thoughtless, horrible gift they bought you, aren?t you? No? It doesn?t matter ? even if you have not been well brought up ? you cannot look at someone in the eye and tell them their gift is crap.

But what you can do, however, is be horribly sarcastic. We can help you in this department. And, in case you haven?t had time to butt people gifts and you are planning to do so for New Year, here?s a list of presents you can get for people you? well, people you don?t really like!

Lina got married earlier this year and her mother thought she would buy her something ?nice?. So Lina opened her present and found a? tureen. She paused for two seconds and then smiled, kissed mother and said ?thank you?.

What she could have said

● ?Well, well, now, there?s a gift!?

● ?Hey, as long as I don?t have to feed it, or clean up after it, or put batteries in it, I?m happy!?

● ?You know, I always wanted one of these! Jog my memory ? what is it called again??

● ?You know what? I am going to find a special place to keep this!?

● ?And it?s such an interesting colour too!?

● ?You shouldn?t have - I mean it ? you really shouldn?t have!?

● ?I love this but I fear the jealousy it will inspire!?

● ?If the dog buries it, I will be really furious!?

● ?To think I got this the year I vowed to give everything to charity!?

● ?I don?t deserve this! I really don?t!? With this one, you could let the tears (real) fall freely; the insensitive "gifter" will be fooled and, best of all, you will have expressed your innermost feelings!

What to do with the gifts

There is clearly no point in keeping gifts you do not like. Unless, of course, you are a sadist and like keeping things that will remind you of an unhappy time.

● Give them away straight away. Either to people you know will enjoy the offensive gift or to people you seriously do not like. Or to anyone if you don?t care whether people like their gifts or not. But then you shouldn?t be surprised when you get bad gifts!

● Sell them! Of course, that?s awfully rude but then again, it is rude not to like presents that people give you; so you shouldn?t feel bad if you?re a bad person!

● Keep them in a safe place and wrap them up again a year later and give them back to the person who gave it to you originally! That?s a terribly mean thing to do and don?t be surprised if they never speak to you again! We take no responsibility for the suggestions given!

How to get back at them

If you?re lucky, you would have been terribly busy in the days leading to Christmas and you wouldn?t have had the time to buy people presents (or this is your excuse just to see what people give you so you have an idea of what to give them back).

● You could make a donation to a charity you know will bug them (like an animal rights organisation if you know they hate animals and love eating meat. At least the animals will be grateful. Go on the Internet to find such organisations. PETA is a good one.)

● A self-help book. Be really obvious. If they still don?t get it, then what are you doing being friends with such people?

● A gift certificate to a horrible restaurant. (If they are veggies, make sure you find a steak house and if they love meat, make it a vegetarian restaurant!)

But remember: no gift is the best gift, even if they give you one. And bear in mind that tis the season to love thy enemy!