Who would be without their mobile phones? We would never go anywhere without one, but are they really the essential ?must-have? that we think they are? Are they our servants or our masters? Are they a vital communication device or are they like very spoilt children ? expensive, irritating, attention- seeking, loud, rude and interfering?

Firstly, they are not really mobile in the way that a mobile police force or a mobile blood transfusion van is mobile. They will not go anywhere of their own accord. They totally rely on us picking them up and carrying them around. They seem quite happy to be either left at home when we most need them or be left on a bus or in a shop. They have no self-propulsion or sense of direction (unless you put them on a shiny surface when they are vibrating).

Secondly, the modern phone is rapidly losing touch with the meaning of the word ?phone?. Its original function may have been to carry the language of a human voice, but now it spends most of its time transmitting music, ring tones, jingles, text messages, pictures and video.

I think that much of the technology for the modern mobile was developed during the ?Japanese Pocket Pets? craze of ten years ago. Children, and the ?not so young? were hooked on these little electronic devils. They needed regular electronic button pushing attention for grooming, feeding, cleaning and even nappy changing. Without this attention they would die in electronic agony.

These devices provided all the disadvantages of parenthood or ?pet keeping? without any of the advantages. Children and others were able to acquire all the horrors of parental anxiety and distress but they would never get a real smile or a real tail wag. They would never see their protégés learn to read or walk. Teachers in some schools had to allocate a special ?pocket pets table tops?, where they were looked after so the children could concentrate on their school work.

Today many workplaces could benefit from a ?mobile phone crèche?. Employees could leave their phones in this special sound proof room where they could jingle and buzz, rattle and squeak, vibrate and dement without causing any harm to anyone. Workers would be free to get on with their work and they would never have to pretend that their girlfriend was an important work contact when she rang during work hours.

?Hello darling. I just wanted to tell you that I love you and I am preparing something very special for you when you get home.? ?Ah. Yes? Um. Hello? Good to hear from you again. We will be ordering from you again and we do know that your products are very special. Perhaps a further sample from you will help towards a bigger commitment on our part. Please don?t hesitate to call again. Goodbye Madam, we will be in touch very soon.?

Why are all ?mobile phone users? in advertisements the same? They are ?twenty-somethings? and are living life to the full. Their phones are on full display as an important ?fashion statement?. They are always with a group of similar friends, talking, joking, dancing and having a really good time ? so why do they need to bother with the phones? They never run out of credit or fail to get a signal, because the phone actually works. How often do we view someone over fifty making use of the technology. They have even made the numbers on the phones so small that nobody over fifty can read them.

<B>Invisible umbilical cord</B>

For some people, the mobile phone has an invisible umbilical cord so that the connection is as important as life itself. As the phone develops more functions it is becoming more difficult to put it down so it is becoming hooked to the ear or otherwise attached to the head. People are giving so much attention to their phones that they often fail to acknowledge real people standing in front of them.

It must be the first communication invention that is reducing the quality and level of communication between people. More and more pedestrians are suffering serious accidents as they are walking through busy streets looking at their screen, trying to text, pick out numbers or adjust their diary engagements for next year. The next development must be an ?add-on? navigational device. Initially it would only prevent you from bumping into other people with the same technology on their phone, but very soon that will be nearly everyone. Non-mobile phone users will just have to get out of the way.

Perhaps some day, the technology will catch up with the principles of good manners. My choice of the perfect mobile phone is one that will not interrupt me when I am already having a conversation with someone else.

I would also like other people to have a phone that will not interrupt them when they are talking to me. At the moment they are like particularly badly behaved children. Even when they have had a tireless day of irritating us with wrong numbers, spam texts, missed calls, bad news and moronic ring tones we still have to put them to sleep, lovingly. They don?t demand a bedtime story but they must have a suck on their little electronic nipple so they will be fully energized and charged, ready to annoy us to distraction tomorrow morning.

<B>Jules JERRET</B>