«On veut en savoir plus sur les fantasmes»

La semaine dernière, vous aviez parlé des fantasmes lors de votre programme à la radio, j?aurais bien aimé en savoir plus sur le sujet. C?est malheureux que dans notre culture, on a tellement peur de parler de la sexualité. Un programme comme le vôtre aide à démystifier le sujet qui est toujours tabou. Je m?appelle E et j?ai 38 ans, je suis mariée depuis six ans à L. On se sent très bien ensemble comme un couple. On peut dire qu?on est sur la même longueur d?ondes à tous les niveaux. On n?a aucun problème à parler de sexe, de ce que l?on aime et de ce qu l?on désire. En lisant et en écoutant vos conseils, je peux dire que notre vie sexuelle s?est nettement améliorée et je vous en remercie. Comme un couple, nous essayons d?apprendre davantage pour notre propre épanouissement pas seulement au niveau sexuel mais sur notre vie de tous les jours. On aurait aimé en savoir plus sur les fantasmes. Pouvez-vous nous donner des explications.

<B>E </B>

Merci pour votre question parce que cela me donne l?opportunité d?expliquer un peu plus sur le sujet. Au fait il y a eu un bon nombre de personnes qui m?ont téléphoné pour poser la même question. Qu?est-ce qu?un fantasme? Le mot fantasme vient du mot anglais «fantasy» qui est lié au pouvoir de l?imagination. C?est une image produite par le cerveau qui peut déclencher une excitation érotique. Le désir peut être conscient ou inconscient.

En principe, tout le monde a des fantasmes et certains sont sans importance mais par contre d?autres peuvent nous surprendre parce qu?on trouve difficile de les accepter et parce qu?ils ne reflètent pas l?image qu?on a de soi. Ce qui est surprenant, c?est qu?on réagit de cette façon parce qu?un fantasme n?est pas la réalité. Nos fantasmes en principe ne font de mal à personne mais peuvent le devenir si cela devient une obsession et nous empêche de différencier le fantasme de la réalité.

Est-ce que c?est normal de fantasmer ? La réponse est oui, parce que la sexualité s?use avec la routine et pour que notre désir sexuel ne diminue pas, des stimulants imaginaires peuvent aider, en occurrence les fantasmes. Mais parfois ces fantasmes nous troublent parce qu?ils nous donnent des envies qu?on a des difficultés à comprendre. Il n?y a pas de raison de s?alarmer en ayant ces désirs mais il faut savoir les gérer. Il ne faut pas confondre le fantasme avec la perversion parce qu?une perversion implique quelque chose de bizarre, même d?anormal. Le pervers est totalement dépendent, il est un esclave de sa perversion.

Pour certaines personnes, les fantasmes peuvent aider à alimenter leur imagination et nourrir leur libido et le tout aidera généralement leur vie sexuelle. Ce ne sont pas uniquement des pensées sexuelles qui peuvent nous aider à ressentir une excitation sexuelle quand nos sens sont mis en éveil. Vos fantasmes ne concernent que vous. Vous n?avez pas besoin de le partager à moins que vous ne le vouliez. C?est quelque chose de privé.

C?est une façon de recréer l?intérêt pour quelqu?un qui l?a perdu. Partager vos fantasmes avec votre partenaire doit être fait d?une façon bien sensible comme n?importe quel aspect sexuel parce que cela peut offenser votre partenaire si cela concerne une autre personne. Le fait de parler et de partager vos fantasmes peut aider à pimenter votre vie sexuelle. Les conditions du partage sont la confiance et une bonne communication érotique. Ce n?est qu?alors que le partage d?un fantasme peut être envisagé. J?espère que j?ai répondu à toutes vos questions. J?espère aussi que ce que j?ai partagé sera utile pour vous aider dans votre vie sexuelle avec votre mari.

<B>Claude</B>

<B>«I feel very confused, please help me»</B>

Hello I am R and I am a 16 year old girl. I intend to go to University once my secondary education is completed. Two years ago, I met a guy called R, 24 years old. He is the first boy that I have dated. We trusted each other. He was always a source of encouragement for me. I knew that he has had another girl in his life for quite a long period but they broke up because their families did not approve their relationship. R kept in touch with her but I did not mind. One day he told me that he wanted to end our relationship because he had problems at home. It was a big shock and I was heartbroken. A few months ago, we met again and decided to remain friends. I am very close to my dad and he does not care much for R, he does not realize that we are still in touch. A few days ago, R told me that he intends to propose to me when I am 18. I asked him if he was bluffing but he said that he was serious. I now feel very confused and I do not know what to do. I know that my parents will never accept him. I always thought that if he ever says that he wanted to restart our relationship, I would say no but I really love him. What do I do? I love my family a lot and I love R also a lot. Please tell me what I should do. I find it difficult to talk to anybody else.

R.

Being in love can give this wonderful feeling of well being but it can also be a cause of heartache. Love plays an important part in our personal development. As you said, R is your very first love, the first time you have encountered the stirring that love can have on your physical and psychological well being. When R came into your life, you felt on top of the world. It gave you a sense of well being, a sense that you were ready to face one and all. You have not explained the reasons why your parents were against your relationship with R. It would have helped if you had stated why. I can only assume that either they feel that you are still too young to be contemplating love and that your studies must remain a priority or the fact that at 24, R is 8 years older than you. The other possibility is that you may belong to different religions. As I have said in the past, religion has proved to be an enormous barrier because many parents have used it as a reason for their objections. The age factor is not to be disregarded because it can eventually be a determining element whether a relationship survives the test of time, whether it succeeds or fails. You said that you did not know what to do, how to tackle your dilemma. I feel that you are trying to travel a bit too fast in your journey of love. Let us look at the facts, you met R, you felt in love with him. He then decided to stop the relationship whatever his reasons. Now he wants to renew the relationship and is going as far as to tell you that he will propose once you are 18. I feel that you need to make it clear to R that he cannot appear and disappear in your life according to his whims. That is my first observation. My second observation is that he has mentioned that he will propose to you when you are 18, so there is some time ahead to see how the relationship develops. It gives you breathing space before you need to give him an answer. Lots of things can happen in between. I feel that for the time being, you should concentrate on your studies. There will be plenty of time for love later on. Love can have a distracting effect if you try to combine it with studying. As far as your parents are concerned, it is going to be difficult for me to give you any constructive advice if you do not know the reasons behind their objections. A general rule of thumb is to direct your persuasive powers towards the parent who is more likely to be receptive. He/she can become an ally in persuading the other parent. Parents usually object for what they perceive as being solid reasons, you could say that they want to do so for the well being of their offspring. Mind on rare occasions, it can be pure bigotry. You should put R on hold for the time being while you concentrate on your studies. It will be a test of his love. If he truly loves you, he will accept. That breathing space should help you to think and act under less pressure.

<B>Claude</B>