<B>? My in-laws want to control our life?</B>

We are a very young couple both of 25 years old. We have no children. We live in a small village on the east coast, in a flat on a top of my wife?s parents? house. We have been there for the past 2 years, since our marriage. My in-laws want to control everything that goes on in our life. They have been used to decide everything concerning my wife before our marriage. We have now decided to live elsewhere but my in-laws are totally against the idea. My wife fully agrees with the idea of moving but does not want to upset her parents. What do we do?

I can well understand the dilemma that your wife is facing and hope that you are fully supportive. Close personal relationships are something very complex and it is not always possible to make an instant or clear cut decision, so do tread carefully for the sake of your wife. She has been used all her life bar the two years she has been married to you, to listen to and obey her parents at all times. Even during the brief time, you have been married; it seems that they have tried to continue their controlling effect on your wife and of course by inference on you as well.

My general advice is that young couples wherever and whenever possible, should avoid living with or close by their in-laws. It has proved throughout the ages that generally it can have an adverse effect on the life of the young couples.

Naturally, there are exceptions, not all parents-in-laws interfere continuously but the mere proximity can encourage this to and fro between the houses. Initially, it might be very acceptable but eventually it will become a problem without doubt. I can understand that you are getting frustrated by your wife?s indecision but you must understand that it is not all that easy to change the habits of a life time. For your wife, her parents are very important and she is wary what could happen if she was to act against their wishes. She is afraid that there could be a break in their relationship if she decided to move away. She is conscious that her parents are being very unreasonable in insisting that you should stay but do not put too much pressure on her. She has to reach a difficult decision because on one side, there is you and the other side, her parents. Of course, it is easier for you to be very objective but your wife?s emotions are playing a great part.

For you to stick up, your wife must be 100 % with you, otherwise it might cause more problems than it solves. You will have to make use of all your diplomatic skills to approach this problem. I feel that the best thing is to find a compromise. Obviously, the aim must be to eventually move on to your house. For the time being, in agreement with your wife, decide on clear parameters for your in-laws. Caution is the key word.

Claude Canabady donne des consultations gratuites pour le public en général le 1er et le 3e lundi de chaque mois au centre Alex Vellin à Beau-Bassin de 10 à 15 heures. Il n?est pas nécessaire de prendre rendez-vous. La prochaine session aura lieu le lundi 16 juin. Pour des informations additionnelles téléphonez au 492-2177