Will all the nameless and faceless women and men be able to come out of their darkness to face their past? Rita (not her real name) is not sure at all but she has the strong conviction that a support group or an NGO for adults who are still blighted by their childhood abuse, can save hundreds of lives.

Many charities or NGOs spring up after a tragedy of some kind. Mauritius is a country where NGOs grow like mushrooms. MACOSS, the umbrella organisation of all Mauritian NGOs, has over 170 NGOs registered with them. An audit of NGOs and charities to know who does what can certainly save lives as Rita rightly points out; but, up to now, MACOSS has not been able to do this audit. People must know where to turn to when they are desperate or in need of help.

At the age of seven, Rita was given a life sentence of emotional, psychological and physical pain. She was raped. Unfortunately for her, she will have to continue to serve that sentence every single day of her life. The abuse she has suffered and is still suffering will haunt her like her own shadow. It is only with proper support, advice and counselling that she will be able to stop serving this life sentence. But where to turn?

It is a mystery that, in a country where NGOs and support groups are emerging all the time, there is not a single organisation for adult survivors of child abuse. Rita wants others to know that they are not alone. There are hundreds of women and men who went through the same traumatic experience that Rita went through. But where are they? Will they be able to break their silence? Will they be able to come to terms with themselves? ?This silence is unbearable and a support group might ease this affliction that we have to take with us to our graves,? Rita said.

Successive crimes

Rita has kept her secret for 28 long years. In 1990, when she could not bear it anymore, she decided to take her own life. She lived on borrowed time and, in her hospital bed, she heaved her heart into her mouth and told her husband and her mother what she went through when she was seven years old. Her husband did not believe her and her mother turned a deaf ear. They turned the knife in the wound by not listening to her with the result that her scars will never heal.

Emotions ran very high when Rita recounted her chilling memoirs. It was difficult for her to control her flow of tears. ?I used to play with my neighbour a lot but one day he took me to a little bush near his house.? Rita was very happy to go and play in the bush and little did she realise that the play ground would turn into a scene of successive crimes. ?He put his hand in my knickers and over my sex. I did not even know what was happening to me. Another time when we were playing he put his finger into my sex. It really hurt but I was frozen and inert and had no reaction. Even then I did not realise what he was doing was wrong.? But, as Rita did not tell anyone about her fear and trauma, her neighbour was on safe terrain and did the irreparable. ?One day he raped me. I went through hell and my sex kept on burning for days. Even then I did not tell anyone about it. He raped me three more times. I was still a small child and did not know what to do or what to say. I did not know anything about sex or sexual relationships. It took me a long time to comprehend that my neighbour raped me and ejaculated inside me.?

?My mother was a nurse and yet I could not tell her. Children had no right to talk about sex, not even their own sex. I started to understand what had really happened to me when I participated in workshops organised by the church. There we discussed sexuality and how we should be responsible for our bodies. But even then, I did not tell anybody about what I had been through.?

It was when Rita got married that her past came back to haunt her with a vengeance. ?My husband kept on accusing me that I was not a virgin on our wedding night. He thought I was a loose woman. He knew that I had a boyfriend before we got married and kept on telling me that I had slept with that boy, which is not true. I went out with a boy because he gave me confidence in myself. He trusted me and never demanded sex. As I did not know what to tell my nagging husband, I thought it best to let him believe whatever he wanted.?

?I cannot say I have been happy in my marriage although I have four beautiful and bright children. One of them is in Australia and graduated at the end of last year, my two daughters are married and my youngest son still lives with me,? said Rita. ?I was in love with a man and my mother hated me for that. She took me out of school while I was doing my School Certificate. I still remember how she tied me up with a dog?s chain so that I could not go out during her absence.? Rita was robbed of her childhood by the worst abuse that any human being can go through, let alone a child. She was then robbed of her adolescence by what her mother did to her. She was finally robbed of her womanhood as she could not have a balanced sexual and emotional life. To add insult to injury, her husband was a violent man. ?I make love with my husband because I feel it is my duty as a wife to do so but I do not enjoy sex. I have often had the sensation that the sex of the person who raped me was inside me. I cannot count the number of times I have cried after sexual intercourse. My sex always burns after a relationship.?

Feeling of guilt

?I will never be at peace with myself. I am always afraid. Afraid of men. Afraid of authority. Afraid of anybody who is in a responsible position. I feel that my life is in somebody else?s hands. I have no control over my body.? Even now at the age of 49, Rita cannot walk near a bush. ?I feel dizzy and have to walk fast for fear somebody might attack me.?

Although Rita knows the person who assaulted her and has seen him quite a few times she would not like to take the matter to court even if she could. ?It has taken me 28 years to talk about the ordeal I went through, I do not want my children to go through a harrowing experience because of me.? She would, however, very much like to meet all the hundreds of people whose lives have been blighted by abuse. ?We all share a common truth, what has happened to us has affected our daily lives, our relationships and how we feel about ourselves.? An NGO or a support group would give a powerful voice to all these people.

?Although I know I am a victim, somewhere at the back of my mind I still have a feeling of guilt and shame. All I am asking now is to have some space for myself. I want to breathe some fresh air. I am seriously thinking of leaving everything behind and going to another country to live by myself a bit and sort myself out.?