<B>«Nous nous disputons souvent»

Je suis J, un homme marié, 32 ans. Ma femme a également 32 ans et nous avons un fils de cinq ans. Nous avons un problème de couple car nous nous disputons souvent.

Nous avons essayé de régler nos différences mais cela nous paraît très difficile. Nous nous sentons incapables de résoudre nos problèmes. Nous essayons d?ignorer le problème. La situation se dégrade entre nous.

J?aime beaucoup ma femme et mon petit garçon. Je voudrais garder ma famille unie. Mais j?ai l?impression que si on continue sur cette voie, cela risque de se terminer par une séparation et éventuellement un divorce. J?ai l?intention de chercher l?aide professionnelle pour sauver mon couple.

J?entends beaucoup parler du counselling, je voudrais en savoir plus à ce sujet. Des amis m?ont dit que cela peut être un moyen pour nous aider à surmonter nos problèmes.

<B>J</B>

Je vous félicite pour avoir pris conscience que premièrement, un problème existe dans votre couple et que deuxièmement, l?ignorer ne signifie pas que le problème va disparaître tout d?un coup sans rien faire.

Malheureusement, beaucoup de couples que je rencontre, viennent me voir avec un problème qui existe depuis assez longtemps. La raison de leur visite : ils sont au bord d?une crise conjugale.

C?est plus difficile de les aider à ce stage car il y a plus de complications. Chacun des conjoints est resté campé sur ses positions et devient en conséquence plus réticent à accepter un compromis. Vous m?avez écrit car vous voulez en savoir plus sur le «Counselling». Je vais commencer par une définition.

C?est une consultation confidentielle couverte par le secret professionnel pendant laquelle le/la thérapeute ne donne pas des conseils mais tient conseil avec la personne. Il/elle aide cette personne dans une atmosphère détendue à avancer sur son chemin, à verbaliser sa vraie demande tout en respectant la personne dans sa différence.

L?intention, c?est d?aider la personne à exprimer ce qu?elle ressent, ses pensées afin de mieux pouvoir comprendre sa situation personnelle et à analyser ses difficultés d?une façon plus objective. Cela aidera la personne à mieux faire face à ses problèmes et avec moins de tension et d?angoisse.

L?objectif fondamental de la consultation est d?aider la personne autant que possible à découvrir sa propre solution à son propre rythme, à prendre des décisions en se basant sur les choix disponibles, de mener une vie plus satisfaisante au mieux de ses possibilités, à faire face à ses difficultés, à mieux comprendre soi-même et à mieux vivre avec les autres dans son quotidien.

<B>Les trois stages du Counselling</B>

■ L?exploration et le partage. L?intention du thérapeute, c?est d?établir une atmosphère détendue où la personne peut se sentir à l?aise pour partager son quotidien, ses pensées, ses émotions et son comportement en relation avec la situation problématique.

■ La compréhension et l?analyse. Le/la thérapeute aide la personne à mieux comprendre, à voir plus clairement les grandes lignes et les à-côtés du problème et d?apprécier comment elle peut contribuer pour résoudre son problème et faire la différence.

■ L?intervention. Avec le/la thérapeute, la personne identifie les objectifs pour la résolution du problème. Le/la thérapeute se sert de tous les moyens pour aider cette personne à atteindre son objectif. La durée du counselling dépend de la gravité du problème. Cela peut durer plusieurs sessions.

Quand est-ce nécessaire d?avoir des sessions de counselling ?

• Quand on a une difficulté qu?on ne peut pas résoudre, que ce soit un problème personnel ou un problème de couple.

• Quand on a l?impression d?être dépassé par le problème.

<B>Claude</B>

<B>«He stopped caring and took to drinks »</B>

I need your help because my life seems to be a series of disasters. I have had nothing but problems with the relationships that I had so far. I am E and I am a 35 year old woman with one son age 12 years old. I am divorced since two years. This divorce follows a very difficult marriage. I was married for 13 years to a man whose consumption of alcoholic drinks seemed to be more important than anything else in his life. Yet, when we first married, life was okay, not exceptionally good but satisfying enough. After we had our son, all seemed to go wrong. He stopped caring and instead took to drinks. The same story is being repeated. I met a man a year ago and we started an affair that is still going on. He is married and has two kids. He likes to drink as my first husband. Whenever he comes to see me, he usually has had a few drinks. My son is not happy about it, he sees nothing good in him but I care for my lover. Is it going to be a repeat of my marriage? I want to be happy; I feel that I deserved it after what I have been through. Your help please.

<B>E</B>

I feel that your head is telling you something and your heart is telling you something different and you are torn between the two, not knowing what to do. I suspect that your son feels very protective towards you. After all he has been a witness of your difficult marriage and is fully conscious what you have been through.

No doubt he has equally suffered from this relationship. Sometimes children can see things more clearly than adults especially when it concerns relationships. His memory is clear when it comes to remembering what it was like when you were still married to his father.

He is anxious not to see you repeating the same mistake and you cannot blame him for that. He is seeing things as they are but for you it is not so clear because you are in love. As an adult, you are able to choose the person you wish to be with but he does not have that choice, he has to accept a situation in which he has very little say but he will be equally affected if it all goes pear shaped. You should take into account what he tells you because he is more objective.

I agree that it is a wonderful feeling to be in love, to feel wanted and desired but it must be on your terms. You have managed quite well on your own. It is not as if you can only be happy if you have a man on your side. No doubt you deserve happiness but the man that you are with is not going to provide it.

It looks as if you have saddled yourself with lots of problems by being with this guy. He is already married, that means he is unavailable. Do not give too much creed to the fact that he says that he is only staying with his wife because of the kids. This is the sort of tale that lots of married men have a tendency to spin in order to justify themselves.

He is cheating on his wife, if he can do that to her, he can equally do it to you. He is selfish and is only thinking of his personal needs, nothing else matters. I do not know how old his kids are at present and until when he sees his place by their side. All the things that he is saying are very much in the air, a sort of wait and see. Is that what you want?

You need a stable, solid relationship for your sake and your son?s sake. What happens if his wife was to find that he is cheating on her? Would he not return with his tail between his legs? If that is the case, you will be the one and only loser. When you are affected, you son is likewise. His drinking habits do not offer much in terms of a bright future for you with him. It might be hard to break away from him but I am afraid to tell you that this is the one and only solution.

If you were to list all the positive and negative reasons to stay with him, you will find that the list of negative reasons is much longer. I would advise you to put a cross on this relationship. You are still young enough to find happiness with somebody else.

<B>Claude</B>