<B>Rubrique animée par Claude CANABAdY</B>

<B> «Il ne m?écoute plus, je me sens déprimée» </B>

Je suis V, 35 ans. Je suis mariée à C depuis bientôt 10 ans, il a 36 ans. Nous avons un fils de 10 ans. Notre couple marche bien ou je dois plutôt dire, marchait bien. Nos premières années de mariage ont été des années de bonheur. Ce n?est plus le cas aujourd?hui. Nous avions l?habitude de régler nos problèmes très vite.

Maintenant, lorsque nous avons des contrariétés dans notre couple, un froid s?installe entre nous.

Cela dure et cela m?affecte tellement que je me sens déprimée. Mon fils souffre également de cette situation. Je me sens à bout parce que mon mari ne m?écoute plus. Je voudrais tant que les choses changent. Que l?on retourne en arrière. Je voudrais que nos relations personnelles soient plus harmonieuses. J?ai tout essayé et je n?en peux plus. Je me tourne vers vous et je suis sûre que vous me donnerez des conseils pour sauver mon couple.

<B>V</B>

Je suis conscient de la gravité des problèmes relationnels dans les couples. Lorsque les partenaires vivent une période de bouleversements, par exemple, des querelles incessantes, les enfants peuvent en souffrir comme c?est le cas pour votre fils. Ce que je ne comprends pas, c?est que vous dites qu?auparavant, comme un couple, vous aviez l?habitude de régler vos problèmes. Peu importe, si votre mari et vous-même souhaitez améliorer vos relations, vous aurez à acquérir ces trois compétences :

● Apprendre quand et comment écouter

● Quand et comment communiquer

● Savoir résoudre les conflits sans perdants

C?est la qualité de la communication qui est la base d?une bonne relation entre partenaires. Il doit y avoir une communication franche, ouverte et sincère. L?essentiel c?est de comprendre et d?être compris. S?il y a, donc, quelque chose qui vous peine, il vous faut le dire, le partager. Bien sûr, il y a des obstacles qui nous empêchent d?avoir une communication efficace, une communication de qualité. Voici une liste de 5 types d?obstacles :

● Il ne faut pas commander ou ordonner

● Il ne faut pas sermonner ou culpabiliser

● Il ne faut pas mettre en garde ou menacer

● Il ne faut pas insulter ou humilier

● Il ne faut pas critiquer ou blâmer

Aucun de ses obstacles n?encourage la compréhension de l?autre. En fait, ils nous apprennent beaucoup plus sur la personne qui utilise ces méthodes contre l?autre. Comme vous l?aviez dit dans votre lettre, « il ne m?écoute plus ». C?est une expression que l?on entend si souvent quand des difficultés surgissent.

Après tout, une bonne écoute encouragera l?autre à se confier, à partager ce qu?il/elle ressent. Il y a moins de risques de tirer des conclusions hâtives. En écoutant attentivement, vous comprendrez mieux les peines, les souffrances de l?autre.

Vous ferez preuve d?avantage de compassion. Bien sûr, le «body language » est aussi très important. Essayez de bien regarder l?autre dans les yeux, demeurez à une distance raisonnable pour ne pas envahir l?espace personnel de l?autre.

Il faut savoir émettre de petits signes tels que des hochements de têtes, par des gestes. Faites comprendre à l?autre qu?il/elle a toute notre attention.

Vous avez aussi dit que vous souhaitez que la relation avec votre mari soit plus harmonieuse. Tout d?abord, il faut déterminer ce qu?est cette harmonie. Un moyen de représenter, la nature des relations amoureuses entre êtres humains, consiste à imaginer une ligne droite.

Narcissique----------------------Saine------------------Codépendante

(Toujours prendre) (Toujours donner)

Une relation saine et harmonieuse se situe un peu vers le milieu de cette ligne avec une centaine de déplacements vers l?une ou l?autre extrémité.

<B>Claude</B>

<B>«He is putting so little effort to make our relationship work»</B>

I am a 23 years old single woman and I still live with my parents. I have been in a relationship with B, my current boyfriend for the past three years. Before him, I have had a few relationships but nothing that lasted for a long time and had any deep meaning. When I met him, I thought that he was the one I wanted to be with. I could already hear wedding bells in the distance (not too far I hope). Anyway, the three years have gone by, I am neither engaged nor likely to be married in the near future. He seems to be interested only in sex. Every single time, we see each other, we must have sex. I had hoped so much that the relationship would work but I now realize that he is putting so little effort to make our relationship work. I am the one who is making all the efforts. He never says that he loves me. I am very much in love with him and he knows that. I realize that I should have finished with him a long time ago but I have been weak and have put it off for as long as I could. I know that he has been going out with other girls but yet I forgave him and allowed him back. We have split up and got back together on so many occasions that I cannot remember the number of times that it has happened. I am totally confused and I am not sure how to deal with the situation.

<B>D</B>

You have lots of questions and I feel that you also have the answers. You are unable to apply them because you are so overwhelmed by your boyfriend and the power he wields over you. He is unable to appreciate you for the person that you are. He takes you for granted and abuses your understanding, your generosity and your love.

Despite all the love you profess for him, I am sure that there have been lots of heartaches along the way. The chances are that there have been more bad times than good times. You have invested yourself completely in this relationship and had built your hopes on something wonderful. You put all your hopes and dreams in that relationship but all you have to show is a string of disappointments. From what you say, it is clear that there is only one thing that he is in the relationship for and by the way, he has behaved so far, he has made that amply clear.

When both partners are prepared to trust each other, where there is openness as well as friendship and love is central to that relationship, sex can be everything you had ever wanted it to be and sometimes even better.

All he can offer is sex without ties, without commitment, without love, without affection. If he really loves you and sees you as a human being with needs and feelings, he would behave differently. In your case, only sex is important in the relationship, nothing else matters. Your boyfriend is using you to meet his own personal need and satisfaction. If he really and truly loves you, he would have shown much more consideration, be more interested in what you want instead of meeting you with only one item on the agenda.

I feel that if you persist in the relationship, you will be the big loser in the long run. It is time to call a halt, time to put a stop to this affair. You might suffer initially but the pain will ease with time. You might be heartbroken at first but time is a great healer. One thing for sure, the longer you stay with him, the more pain you will endure. You are worth a lot more but it will be his loss because he cannot see that.

Unfortunately, it seems that you have little confidence in yourself and may be that what keeps you with him. In actual fact, when you are with him, he undermines your confidence by his selfish behaviour, a sort of vicious circle. It is a situation where "head you lose" and "tail, you still lose". You can get over him but you need to be strong willed and not weaken even if he begs you to come back or tells you that he will change, remember, a leopard never changes its spots.

You might be afraid to be left on your own. You did say that you have had relationships before him, so there is no earthly reason why you should not do so again. Staying in a loveless relationship is not an option. I feel that when you leave him, you will see a change for the better in yourself. You will have a more positive outlook on life and consequently make some new friends. I am sure that in a not distant future, you will look back and say why you were stuck in a relationship that was going nowhere fast.

<B>Claude</B>