«Je ne le reconnais plus, il se renferme sur lui-même»

Je m?appelle R et j?ai 40 ans. Je suis mariée à C depuis 15 ans. Il a 45 ans. Récemment, il a été atteint d?une maladie très grave. Quand j?ai su la nouvelle, j?ai eu l?impression que tout s?écroulait autour de moi. Mais je me suis dit que je devais faire preuve de courage pour le soutenir . Nous avons beaucoup discuté et il était tout à fait d?accord pour lutter contre la maladie. Malheureusement, après un bout de temps, cela n?allait pas trop bien. Il changeait tout le temps d?attitude et il est devenu plus exigeant. Chaque jour, il trouvait des choses à me redire. Je ne le reconnais plus, il se renferme sur lui-même de plus en plus. Et pourtant, au commencement, il voulait se battre et il me disait combien c?était important que je sois à ses cotés dans les moments difficiles. Il me dit que c?est à cause de sa maladie qu?il se comporte comme cela et qu?il faut l?excuser et lui pardonner. Il me dit que je ne le comprends pas. Tout au contraire, je pense que c?est lui qui ne me comprend pas. Il se met en colère pour un rien. Je sais qu?il souffre beaucoup mais c?est important qu?il y met du sien aussi. Je suis très affectée et je suis épuisée physiquement et mentalement. Aidez moi, Merci.

<B>R</B>

Une maladie grave pour un des partenaires d?un couple peut être une véritable épreuve individuelle et collective. Votre mari est contraint à subir des traitements constamment et vous devez être forte pas seulement pour lui, mais aussi pour vous et pour votre couple. Du coup, la vie quotidienne peut devenir très difficile. Bien que cela soit pénible pour l?un comme pour l?autre, il faut en parler, partager ce qu?on ressent. La communication est toujours importante mais peut l?être dans les circonstances où vous vous trouvez. Malheureusement, il me semble que vous êtes en train de faire exactement le contraire. Chacun se renferme et ne laisse pas l?autre savoir ce qui se passe dans sa tête. Je comprend que ce n?est pas facile de se confier mais on ne doit pas avoir peur de montrer ses émotions, de pleurer si c?est ce que vous ressentez. Malheureusement, même si les mots sont difficiles, c?est l?unique façon de briser le silence qui vous isole l?un de l?autre et de mieux vous comprendre. C?est naturel que tout deux, vous soyez fatigués et de mauvaise humeur vu les circonstances. En premier, vous devez affronter la réalité et la partager avec l?autre.

Voici quelques conseils pour instaurerune meilleure communication:

Chacun doit pouvoir parler sans être interrompu par l?autre

Il faut que l?écoute soit attentive

Il faut respecter l?opinion de l?autre même quand on n?est pas d?accord

Quelles que soient les difficultés, il ne faut ni se culpabiliser ni culpabiliser l?autre même quand son comportement est blessant. Il est normal que vous ayez des moments de lassitude, de découragement et parfois même de colère, ce sont les conséquences d?un sentiment d?impuissance à vouloir que tout marche très bien. Bien sûr, la maladie de votre mari affecte beaucoup votre vie de couple, il y a moins de sorties, moins de loisirs et bien sûr votre vie sexuelle en prend un sacré coup. Si vous trouvez tout cela injuste et en souffrez, c?est naturel. Votre mari a besoin de vous, de votre courage, de votre soutien dans ces moments difficiles. Si tout vous paraît insurmontable, il vous faudra chercher l?aide de vos parents et des siens. Avoir les autres pour vous épauler au chevet de votre mari, vous motivera . Si vous voyez que c?est pratiquement impossible de continuer comme c?est le cas maintenant et que vous êtes débordée ou que mentalement vous vous sentez affectée, il vous faudra chercher l?aide d?un professionnel pour mieux gérer la situation. C?est une période difficile pour tous les deux, mais si vous pouviez tout partager l?un avec l?autre, vous serez beaucoup plus fort individuellement et en tant que couple.

<B>Claude</B>

<B>«Please tell me how I can make him forget his past»</B>

I am S, 21 years old. I am engaged to N, 27 years old. We have known each other for 10 months. When I met him, he just broke up with another girl because she was been giving him a hard time. N says that he loves me but every time we argue, he thinks of the pain he went through in the past and cannot get close to me. I always put on a fight with him as he does not show that he loves me. His work always comes first and he never listens to me. He feels that I try to control him and he tells me to leave him free and that he needs to nurse his wounds. Another thing is that he cannot express his feelings to me. He never looks me in the eye and tells me that he loves me; he says that I am childish. He says that I should be more mature and understanding but I am getting a bit desperate. He rarely calls and tells me not to ask him questions. It is very difficult for me to understand his attitude. I have thought about leaving him but I cannot because I love him. Please tell me how I can make him forget his past. Please help me so that our relationship can work. Thank you.

<B> S</B>

When you fall in love, heartache will invariably follow. It is a fact of life like day follows night and is not as negative as it seems at first. To support that argument, think of the following, if you do not care for someone deep enough, disagreements will only annoy you momentarily but if you care for someone deeply, you will really mind when things between you go wrong. If you can solve your problems together and in the right way, it will consolidate your love, it makes your relationship stronger. It can bring the best out of each of you; you will share your sense of humour, your generosity and most of all your respect for each other. We all hunger for a perfect relationship, we expect the love to be effortless but it is not so and the reason why we continue to think that way is because the feelings that cropped up when we fall in love, are some of the most intense we will ever feel. And we think that this love will be harmonious for ever. Real relationships are not like that. It is no good looking at it through tinted glasses. Perhaps, your romance with N started on a bad footing and has gradually got worse because the problems have not been addressed. The key to resolve relationship problems is an effective communication. If both of you start communicating honestly, there is every chance that various aspects of your relationship will improve. So what does effective communication do? It is the only way for you to understand what makes N ticks, because at present, I feel that you think that you know your fiancé very well. But it is not the case. For example, you said that when he met you, he has just come out of a very difficult relationship. My guess is that in his previous relationship, he was honest, very open about himself and he has been hurt very badly, hence, his reluctance now. He is afraid of being hurt again. You need to handle your relationship with him very carefully, do not rush him, do not put him under pressure, let the relationship develop at its own pace. Every time you have a row, brings back painful memories of what happened in his previous relationship. It is possible that he needs to vent feelings of his previous relationship in a meaningful way, something perhaps, he has not done so far. He needs to get it out of his system. A visit to a professional in that case is advised. It is possible that because he would not open up willingly, you feel that you need to question him so that you can understand and as a result, he gets angry, a sort of vicious circle. Despite all your misgivings, you say that you still love him. If you really do, you should give him all you understanding and all your support. Your relationship needs to grow at its own pace. Try not to force issues too much. On the contrary, you should try to talk about anything that is not likely to stress him unduly. Try to do some activities together, for example, join a local club, perhaps that will engender a feeling of togetherness and will help him to share more of his feelings with you. Patience and perseverance are two qualities you will need to help .

<B>Claude</B>