«Elle ne s?intéresse plus aux relations sexuelles»

R

On peut dire qu?entre trente ans et quarante ans, la femme atteint sa maturité sexuelle. L?homme, par contre, devient plus calme et c?est probablement durant cette période que le couple peut trouver l?équilibre plus facile à atteindre. Après cela, c?est un peu la descente autant pour l?un et l?autre, mais l?affection, la tendresse et le désir sont toujours présents. C?est une période de réajustement. L?homme peut compenser ce manque de désir par plus de moments d?attention. Faire l?amour ne veut pas nécessairement dire que cela doit se terminer par la pénétration. J?ai récemment parlé de l?amour passionné à la radio et j?ai même écrit sur le sujet dans l?express-samedi.

Les chercheurs nous disent que dans une relation amoureuse, la période du ?Je ne peux pas me passer de toi? dite phase fusionnelle dure entre dix huit mois et trois ans après les premiers instants d?engouement. Les choses seraient merveilleuses si on pouvait prolonger cette phase mais malheureusement cet amour fusionnel ne dure pas éternellement. Dans beaucoup de couples, on perd si facilement l?habitude de profiter pleinement l?un et l?autre comme on le faisait au début d?une relation.

Malheureusement avec les obligations professionnelles et nos responsabilités/devoirs parentales, on a l?impression que tout cela nous empêche de retrouver cette intimité qu?on a connue dans le passé. Retournons à votre cas. Il faut revoir un peu la façon dont vous menez votre vie pour essayer de rallumer cette flamme. Envoyez un message d?amour à votre femme, offrez-lui des fleurs, faites quelque chose pour entretenir cette passion.

Vous faites allusion à un manque de désir de votre compagne mais c?est un fait qu?un homme a des envies sexuelles environ quinze fois plus qu?une femme et pour lui, l?acte sexuel est une façon de démontrer son amour envers elle. Par contre pour la femme, ce n?est pas la préoccupation principale. Comme votre épouse fait sa ménopause, cela est à prendre en considération.

Bien que je comprenne que vous ressentiez une certaine frustration, vous devez accepter que pendant cette période, elle sera encore moins intéressée à faire l?amour. C?est important que vous partagiez avec elle ce que vous ressentez sans l?accuser ou sans faire des commentaires blessants et que vous soyez attentif pour mieux comprendre, pour mieux cerner le problème et pour être mieux préparé à lui apporter votre soutien.

Le respect et la gentillesse sont probablement les deux qualités qui comptent le plus dans une relation de couple. Ces qualités sont souvent aussi indispensables que l?amour lui-même. Pour l?équilibre du couple quelles que soient les difficultés, il faut reconnaître que l?autre a ses propres besoins, ses propres valeurs et ses propres choix. Le mot-clé de la fin serait l?adaptation, c?est-à-dire de faire l?effort et de pouvoir s?adapter aux besoins de l?un et de l?autre dans une situation nouvelle.

Claude

«I am not that experienced in sexual matters»

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Setbacks in life can affect sometimes one?s confidence but divorce can strike an even bigger blow to our self-esteem. It can take us ages to be able to place our trust in someone else, in your case in another man. We tend to view things negatively especially when it comes to relationships with the opposite sex. Very often you hear people who have been recently divorced say : «Never again» and that is quite understandable because it is never easy especially if one has come out of a messy divorce.

In your case, you said that your marriage was quite acrimonious and you have suffered throughout your previous relationship. Having suffered from a marriage that you thought would bring you love and happiness has only made you bitter and loveless.

So, I am not surprised that you are so reluctant to go full swing in a new relationship. It takes time to know, to love and to accept a new partner. I can fully understand why you are stepping so gingerly in this new relationship. You have not yet got over all that you have suffered in your past relationship. You want to move at your own pace for fear of being hurt again.

Of course no one can tell you how this new relationship will develop but perhaps investing yourself gradually is the right way to go about it. This is the best way to recover the confidence that has been so badly shaken during this painful period of your life. If you feel that you are not ready for a sexual relationship, you must tell him so.

You say that the new man in your life is very understanding and full of compassion, if it the case, then I am sure that he will understand how you feel and will be very supportive. You know that sex with a new partner will be different to what you have experienced previously with your ex-husband.

What you need to do first is to take your time and not to let rush into something you are not ready. When you decide to go ahead, you must have an open mind and be willing to learn and experiment.

Perhaps you need to start with some relaxation exercises, something like yoga would be very helpful. Another way of relaxing is to put some soft music, lie on your bed and do the following exercises. First clench your muscles in your arm, then your leg.

Do it one by one and then let go. Combine this exercise with your breathing. Breathe in when you clench your muscles and breathe out when you relax your muscles. There are loads of helpful books these days on the subject of sex.

They can be of a great assistance to a better understanding of your sexuality. You need to share with your new partner what you are experiencing. What are your feelings, your anxieties and generally what is troubling you ? You might find him more indulgent that you expect. If he really cares for you, he would be prepared to let you move at your own pace and support you during this time.

If his reaction is the opposite of what I have said, that will show that he is more interested in the sexual aspect of your relationship than you as a person. In that case you should give him his marching orders.

Claude

Family matters (part III)

DISCIPLINE (continued)

If you have decided to take a tough line, tell the child what changes are going to take place. It is essential that you stick to your decision. It might take time but change is always possible.

● How should punishment take place

You must decide on a system of sanctions and rewards. You can use positive measures such as taking away time from watching his/her favourite television programmes or reducing the amount of pocket money or negative measures such as time out in another room. They all can be used as sanctions. Whatever measures you decide to take, you must be consistent in your approach (that is the same thing will happen when they behave in a particular way.)

● Remember

At any time, you must not smack your children and there are two good reasons to support that line of thinking. It does not work and it is cruel. Do not scream or shout, it is only showing that you are losing control. Do not plead with them to do something. If you do that, you are handing them power over you. Most of all, both parents must not deviate from whatever is agreed. Consistency is the key word.

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