by Shyama SOONDUR

Certain people seem to exist to make us miserable. I am sure you have all met one of those and you know exactly what I am talking about. Chances are you are still suffering from their negativity. They come in all shapes: the chatterbox, the gossip, the tyrant, the victim, the maniac?

I stumbled upon a book that spoke of these terrors the other day. Toxic people, screamed the title of the bright yellow paperback. The author, California based communication consultant Lillian Glass, promises ten ways of dealing with people who make your life miserable.

Another pop psychology lit from the eighties, I thought. But then, at times you come across a book that makes you stop and think. Often, it does little more than restating conventional wisdom. Things that you have always known or which seem so logical that you wonder why you didn?t think about it yourself.

Ms Glass?s piece proved to be one of those. Her readers will draw their own conclusions as far as her writer?s talents are concerned. My purpose here is to invite you to reflect on the subject matter. On the toxicity of relationships we crowd our lives with.

It seems there are at least 30 different types of toxic people. They are friends, parents, siblings, workmate, neighbours? All those well-intentioned people who too often pull our spirits down rather than lift them up. Relations we suffer for years. Our own private martyr?s cross, which we end up growing fond of.

The incurable gossip, for example, is an entire stock exchange of information and rumours on two feet.

He or she will make you feel special just so they could worm out your most private information. And the next thing you know is that this information has been traded on the gossip market. Gossips, it seems, are in fact trying to deal with their own insecurities by presenting themselves as the depository of information.

They thus seek to establish their own importance in their circle of influence.

And what about the smiling, two-faced, sneaky backstabber? Hypocrites to the core, they will pretend to be your sympathizer through thick and thin. But, behind your back, they will play you the dirtiest tricks, given the first chance. With friends like them, you?ll never need enemies.

But before pointing fingers at others, we have to own up. We all are toxic to others in one way or another. We are toxic when we relentlessly criticize our close and not-so-close ones. We are downright poisonous when we tyrannize family members or subordinates. We are dead boring when the chatterbox in us heedlessly goes off given the least opportunity. We are lethal when we let ourselves be driven by resentment and jealousy to seek revenge. Hurtful when we are patronizing and wear that superior look to give uncalled-for opinions and comments?

But then, Man is not perfect. Human flaws and quirks are just a part of life. It shouldn?t be viewed as a constant drama. Nor is there any reason to play the victim. There are no victims, only volunteers. People will treat you the way you let them treat you. If you don't like something, say so and remove yourself from the situation. If it makes someone mad, they'll just have to get glad at their own pace. Take care of yourself, and everything around you will fall into place. No need for a self-help guru to figure that one out.