Research confirms that roughly 10% of people in the world are difficult. Common sense says that the 90% of the others are therefore left to live and work with these groups.

What are difficult people? They come in every conceivable variety. Some talk constantly and never listen. Others must always have the last word. As colleagues at work, difficult people may be failing to keep their own commitments while criticizing anything they did not create. Difficult colleagues compete with you for power, privilege and the spotlight; some go way too far in courting the boss’s positive opinion, at the detriment of others!

Difficult bosses. Difficult colleagues are nothing compared to the situation when a difficult person becomes the boss (through ownership of a private enterprise or in public service through incompetent promotion processes or downright nepotism). Dealing with difficult bosses is a challenging and emotional problem. When your career is in their hands, it is so much more important to get it right. Any of these comments about bosses ring a bell?

“Nothing is ever good enough for him.”

“I don’t trust him to act in my best interests or in that of the firm/school/ ministry/club/family…”

“Her behaviour is outrageous: we get temper tantrums, feet stamping, shouting, yet no one (so far) has ever challenged her. She is a problem manager.”

“You don’t know what to expect when you are called to a meeting with him/her.”

“I feel like I’ve attracted another bully. Is there something wrong with me?”

“I feel manipulated, worn down by my boss. I’m looking for another job. Yet this is a job I enjoy.”

“Pa fasil, sa boug la!”(Not easy, this chap!)

One must make the difference between difficult (impossible!) bosses and leaders who are demanding, both in quantity and quality of work/output and quality of behaviour/loyalty. The latter are the “salt of the Earth”, but how to make the difference? Read on…

Symptoms of difficult people. Such persons work from the negative side of their personality, rather than from a conscious desire to be difficult. They may be unaware of themselves and how they affect others. They also don’t realize how harmful their actions are to their own career success.

They know it all; so don’t dare to question them! This is a well-recognized trait, especially prevalent in certain groups and professions. We see it in computer experts, engineers, doctors, lawyers, professors, ministers (of religion and government alike) and cooks, to cite but a few! And yet they are dealing with our computers, buildings, cases in court, health, lives and food! Even a simple and innocent question can be met by something like “how dare you question me or my judgment?”

Some parents can fall in that category too, leading to the so-called generation gap. Occasionally the reverse is true: the son/daughter of “small planter”, who has just returned from overseas with a professional qualification, may be tempted to dismiss his/her father’s/mother’s common sense as ignorance!

Of course, having a different way of viewing the world does not entitle one to such misplaced arrogance. Each side complains in private about dealings with the other as being (the now standard Mauritian expression of) “not easy!” Much research has been done and scores of useful books published on conflict resolution, including the resolution of inter-generational conflicts in families.

Arrogance is a defence against vulnerability and insecurity, often learned in childhood when parents constantly criticise a child for not being good enough, not being an A+ pupil. The person is so afraid of being seen as unworthy/incompetent, that he/she develops a defensive shield against any possible attack.

Another symptom of difficult people is “Do it my way, or else!” It seems prevalent in people in positions of power. No matter what anyone says/does, this person will force his/her ideas on everyone else. There can be no open discussion or teamwork. Things must be done this person’s way or else.

Practical results of arrogant and domineering attitudes?

In the end, such persons lose credibility and eventually, most people give up trying to work with them, at least not as partners.

People will not tell them the truth or fail to provide them with vital information that might help them make better decisions (this is particularly true of those in power).

People learn to ignore/discount their opinions or decisions.

People will avoid implementing their ideas and subvert their authority

They may eventually be fired or lose power because of their bad decisions and poor leadership abilities.

Some tips for dealing with difficult people

Consider these daily-life cases you may be confronted with and think out the best alternative responses:

• A bully at work is causing you problems: he/she is demanding you do part of his job without pay/credit.

• Your neighbours are constantly fighting waking your family up during the night with their screams and foul language.

• Your father constantly criticizes your dress, way of life and career choice and points out what he thinks you should do. You feel torn between respect for him and the need for independence.

In your response, recognise that when someone is in an attacking mode, it is useless to argue with him/her. Keep your own sense of self-confidence and don’t allow yourself to be verbally (or physically) abused.

If the difficult person is your boss, consider whether it’s time to get a transfer, (for either of you!). If it’s one/both of your parents (and conflict resolution has failed), it may be time to move out.

Are you amongst these 10% of difficult people? Even if you think you are not, there is room for improvement, since no one is perfectly amiable. So consider these tips for overcoming the “difficult” traits of character:

• Learn to recognize when your defensive mechanisms come up. Realize that you are probably not being personally attacked.

• When you catch yourself feeling defensive, don’t react so quickly.

• Learn to listen when someone asks a question/makes a suggestion.

• Ask people to re-state their question/comment/suggestion.

• Try to understand what others are saying by repeating what you think you heard.

• You may want to ask for more time to respond and get back to them. This will give you time to work with the question/comment/suggestion without the pressure of being on the spot.

• Do consider that other people have good ideas just as valid as yours and occasionally better than yours!

• Find someone who can help you work on this negative aspect of yourself: a good friend, co-worker, teacher or counsellor.

• Find someone that you interact with regularly (wife, husband, colleague, class-mate), ask him/her to let you know when you are being difficult and call your attention to what you are doing. That will help you see and understand your own personality better and reveal your unique strengths and weaknesses.

The effort to improve your ability to get along with others will be rewarded as you find more career opportunities open up for you, while in general people will seek rather than shun your company.

<B>Dr. Michael ATCHIA

[email protected]</B>