Many children find going back to school after the death of someone special quite hard even though they also want to resume the usual routine of daily life and see friends. Mélanie, aged 8, went back to school on Monday. Her grandma had died on Friday after a short illness and been buried during the week-end. Her mother, overwhelmed in her own grief, had forgotten to inform the school. Mélanie was too shy or did not know how to say it. But it showed in her end of term report. In her case, it was not too bad because the extended family had explained and supported the children. But anyway, the loss of someone special ? father, mother, siblings, grandparents, friends, etc. ? is a great shock, which affects children a lot.

Many teachers feel anxious about supporting a bereaved pupil, even in countries with special pastoral services to take care of such issues. The average teacher is lost because death is an issue not easily accepted and discussed. The most important thing you can do is to be patient and make the child feel safe to talk and ask questions. Showing that you care about what has happened and listening to their needs can be most helpful for a bereaved pupil. Here are a few things that bereaved pupils in a counselling group said how they felt and what they wished for:

● Inform other teachers, although I may not wish to talk to them about my loss.

● Arrange for me to get extra help with my work so I don't get behind.

● Try not to put the spotlight on me too much. I will participate when I can.

● Help me to cope by treating me the same as everyone else.

● Understand that I will not 'get over it' or 'put it behind me' but with time I will learn to cope with the changes.

● Give me extra encouragement for all the things I am managing to do.

● Wait until I am ready to talk.

● Remember that I am still me, just feeling a bit lost at the moment.

● Help me to find new dreams of the future and make plans.

Pupils of all ages will experience grief though their reactions to it may be hard for adults to understand. It is difficult to know when and how they would like other children to be told about what happened; they may even feel they don't want anyone to know. But this is not a good idea because grieving and missing someone special lasts a long time and they need extra thoughtfulness from friends and teachers.

MCL