I have just come back from a trip to England and Wales, where I like to see how things have changed, since the days when I called it my home. The occasional visitor has the advantage of seeing the changes that may be less obvious to the full-time resident.

I can report that there seems to have been three major transformations that are changing life in the UK forever. The first has been steadily building up power for the last 30 years but has now got hold of the moral centre-ground. Every point-of-sale, in every retail outlet, now finds a way of convincing you that the money that is about to be taken away from you will go towards a very good cause. It does not say: ?Your money will now go into the general accounts of this company, where it will support the inflated salaries of our directors. Anything left over will be used by our lawyers to prove that we never do anything wrong, or donated to the funds of a political party that you are never likely to vote for.?

Companies now want the customer to know that, as a company, they are fully ?environmentally conscious?. They only use ?sustainable raw materials? and only practise ?fair trade? around the globe. They carry out ?green audits?, they are an ?equal opportunities employer? and are ?active in their reduction of fossil fuel dependence and global warming?. We are no longer just buying a new pair of trousers or a take-away meal, but joining a world-wide morality crusade. There is a new kind of consumer satisfaction, which includes not just enjoying the meal or finding that the trousers actually fit, but we are also making the world a better place to live in.

Of course, I sometimes had my suspicions. I could not help wondering who was policing the right to use a ?fair trade? label. I am very glad that these environmental issues are no longer supported by only a small group of people who were regarded, 30 years ago, as mentally challenged. Environmentalists in the 1970s were generally ignored or described as paranoid. They were a little loony group wearing sandals and eating brown rice but now their ideas are being taken seriously. On the other hand, the hotel group that left messages for me in my bedroom, obviously still had one eye on the profit margins. It said?

Please help us to save on laundry and electricity

Do not use too many bath towels and turn off the lights

They probably have an unofficial company motto - ?A dirty customer who doesn?t wash and hits his toe in the dark is a profitable customer?.

The second area of transformation has been much more sudden, but not unexpected. The occasional visitor to Britain will probably be concerned that their English language skills are sufficient to ensure that they will receive good service when they reach the tourist attractions. In almost every hotel and catering outlet I visited this month the language currency between the staff seemed to be Polish or Hungarian or Czech. There are two, perhaps surprising, results of this massive invasion. Firstly, the quality of English language spoken between customers and staff has improved considerably and secondly the overall quality of customer service is very much better than it was ten years ago. Your waiter in the UK, has now, actually studied English language and wants to speak it well. They are aware of the importance of being fluent in English. They are young and have the recent immigrants? enthusiasm for wanting to impress their employers. They are taking their work seriously and doing it very well. The catering industry in Britain used to be wholly staffed by part-time temporary workers with little or no training. Staff turnover was dramatic, with the result that, the foreign visitor was often disappointed.

These first two transformations are, overall, positive changes, but I am not sure about the third. I had suspected that there was a certain lack of fun and humour in some of my familiar haunts. I thought that this may have been the result of a recent dark and misty winter and the mood would lighten as the spring approached. I know that the British do not have a reputation for their lightness of spirit and ?joie de vivre?, but, taking pleasure in being miserable is a step too far. I discovered that there is a new fashion in night clubs, Internet sites and chat rooms. At these new ?Loss? clubs people get together for a good cry and mutual moan. It is a fashion that has been imported from Japan, where instead of going out to spend the evening being unreasonably jolly and cheerful, we get in touch with our morose side. We all know that it can be irritating sometimes, when, just because we are out celebrating, we have to keep a silly grin on our faces all evening. If we let this mask drop for a minute, someone will slap us on the back and say ?Cheer up! Smile. It may never happen.? I have sometimes tried smiling at this point but it has somehow made no difference. Do not worry (or worry more!) the entertainment industry is getting ready to provide us with the opportunity to be unhappy. They have the backing of some much respected psychologists who tell us about the great value of ?tears?. Crying is a physical process, which frees us from stress and provides relief from all those repressed emotions. We can all go to the clubs for a good cry instead of visiting psychotherapists and psychologists. Apparently, after a good cry, we all release feelings of well-being.

The new clubs provide an onion peeling table for the tearfully inhibited. Dark and dramatic clothes must be worn. Mascara should be heavy and smudged on pale and interesting skin (a thick coat of white paint helps to create the ?gothic? look). Conversation must be about the saddest part of life, such as death, illness and loss rather than having fun or making light of things, or trying to make anyone feel better. Just feeling sad is not enough because it is important to display your feelings to the world, so public crying is encouraged. By crying publicly all the benefits are multiplied? so they say. I am sure that we all know people who will feel more at home in this milieu - but should they be encouraged?

I found the whole idea rather depressing (is that good for me?). My consolation is the knowledge that it may never become fashionable in Mauritius. We are far too sensible for this new craze. I will never be dragged out to ?The Teardrop? in Grand-Bay for an evening of pain and recriminations. On the other hand perhaps my wife Jenny would enjoy the occasional visit, of maybe once a month. It would get her out of the house. As a business idea, one of our hotels could develop a ?Loss? theme for foreign visitors in need of a holiday full of miserable times. They could combine it with an environmental theme and provide no towels, no hot water, no hot food and no lights. The advertising could promise ? ?more tears than you thought possible? ? ?cry away your holiday? ? ?we promise to do nothing that will make your holiday more enjoyable?. They should try not to employ any East Europeans trained in customer care.

Now I feel the need of some light relief. Perhaps I will treat myself. I think I will go down to the market and saw off my left leg with a length of dental floss.

Jules JERRET