To be blunt, something which Mount Olympos tries to avoid until the air becomes so thick that thunderbolts start flying, you were made Commissioner against all the odds. However, when an appointment has perhaps been made on merit – and they sometimes are despite all the mutterings – any disappointment that follows is all the greater.

When we last got together – undoubtedly engrained in your mind as a red-letter day – we talked about several areas where progress could be made. You can’t have been on overseas mission ever since last April, although stranger things have been known, but things seem to have been plodding on much as ever. Mind you, most mortals make a few minor mistakes at some point in their lives, even those related to Apollo (the Sun God, not the noodles). In fact, Civil Servants seem to spend much of the time between pay reviews muttering about errors and omissions. Silly me! I thought they were talking about their own shortcomings.

It seems that the problem of politics interfering with police work is only marginally better now that it was in the dark rocky days of the ancien régime. Without demonising anyone (hopefully by now it’s realised that we daemones are spirit demi-gods, not Roman demons), someone has to put a stop to it and, if you’re unable or unwilling to control your officers or obscure forces, the time has come to cherish your long-service medals somewhere else than in the comfort of Line Barracks. Or google Samurai swords on the Internet. They could also be used for disposing of all your druggies. Duterte could send over a few of his fellow citizens – if there are any left – to provide training. Mind you, if you really want to show you’re tough, the swords could also be used to remove posters. Perhaps a few Opposition figures as well. You could justify it as collateral damage.

Seriously though, when politicos or socio-culturals try to interfere, they should be politely told to take a running jump – if they’re capable of doing so – and, should they offend again, warned there’ll be a wicked leak. Alternatively, you could have them arrested on a provisional charge. If true, the latest incident implicating some of your officers in defacing Opposition posters seems a trifle naughty. Things like this degrade the police in the eyes of the public. Strong action is needed – and anyone at all involved in the exercise should be redeployed to a battleship to invade the Chagos Archipelago and at last fulfil Monsieur Mandarin’s dreams for his fellow Ilois.

I know, you face so many obstacles. Still, given the DFC’s temerity and the number of cases sitting in officers’ drawers, you might seek approval from on high to recruit more specialists, for example IT hackers and forensic auditors, not to mention a Miss Marple or two. It’s quite obvious your current teams have difficulties in coping and even routine investigations seem to take forever. By the way, why have no officers yet been arrested in connection with the fitness scandal?

In fact there’s not much happening at all, except for a new HQ for the National Coast Guard – although one might well ask what that’s going to do to make it more effective. What’s more, if ancestral friends are going to pay for it, presumably the quid pro quo is that there’ll be no Mauritian at the head of the NCG this century.

May the Force be with you!

Epi Phron